Tomorrow is a strange concept. It could be filled with hope and joy, or sorrow or pain. It is a mystery to us as we sit in our today, wondering what tomorrow will bring. For me, in my pregnancy after my stillbirth, tomorrow was a frightening thing.
I never really managed to believe that tomorrow was going to come, and with it bring all my dreams. This is quite strange for me. I work really hard on myself, my belief system. I try to make my inner world as peaceful as possible. It came as a surprise to me that I couldn’t be positive about my new pregnancy. I believed that the tomorrow I longed for would never come.
We got pregnant after deciding to let Mother Nature take her course, around 4 months after Finley had died during labour. My body might have been pregnant, but my mind refused to be. I struggled to get involved in my pregnancy at all.
Another shock to me.
Something which saddened me greatly.
When I was pregnant with Finley I lived in a happy little bubble, caring for myself and spending so much time looking ahead. The thought barely crossed my mind that something could go wrong, when both of us were so healthy. I believed everything would be ok.
But it wasn’t.
And most days it felt like it would never be ok again.
So many things were different. This time we told no-one at all that we were pregnant, until we couldn’t hide it anymore. Such a change from the first time we found out we were pregnant and we told everyone straight away. We soon learnt that was a bad idea, when our baby died at 8 weeks gestation. So with Finley we waited to 12 weeks before breaking our exciting news, thinking we wouldn’t have to tell them that our baby had died if the worst happened.
We had much better care in our new pregnancy, with regular scans and appointments to check that all was well. This helped so much as in those 10 minutes watching our baby move, seeing how she had grown, we could pretend it was all going to be ok. Maybe, those times were the times I looked at what tomorrow might be. Allowed myself to wonder about what our baby would be like. When I could see her alive and well, right in front of me, then I could believe in tomorrow.
But mostly, I am ashamed to say, I ignored my pregnancy.
It was easier to prepare for a world without a tomorrow, rather than dream of and hope for a tomorrow full of everything that tomorrow could be.
I like to think that my experience is rare, that most people are able to be happy and imagine a baby to bring home. This exercise may help you to believe in your tomorrow.
Take a few moments to pick up a pen and piece of paper. Close your eyes and take a deep breath in, relaxing as you breathe out. With your eyes closed allow yourself to place your hands on your tummy. As you continue to breathe in and out, think about your favourite place. A special place.
Spend some time imagining this special place. What is around you? What do you hear? Now fast forward time one year. Imagine yourself in your special place and notice that you have your baby with you. You are all healthy, happy and well.
As you open your eyes, pick up your pen and spend a few minutes writing about your special place and what it will be like to take your baby there.
Try to choose to write in a positive manner and in the present tense, so instead of writing we might take our daughter to the beach, write we are at the beach with our daughter.
If you already know their name, you can use their name. If you don’t know whether you are having a girl, or a boy you can use a nickname, or say our baby.