The thought of adding another child to your family starts out as such an exciting time. You dream of whether you will have a boy or a girl, what they will look like, and what kind of personality they will have. After you get pregnant, you anxiously await that first ultrasound and hearing the heartbeat for the first time. When you hear it and see your baby for the first time, it is a feeling you can’t describe. After this, you go through your monthly appointments and most of the time you give birth to a healthy baby.

But what happens after you have had a loss and are trying to get pregnant again after that loss?

I think a majority of pregnant women worry about the pregnancy to some extent. But this amount of worry is amplified after you have had a loss. What if I lose this baby too? What if there is a different problem with this baby? What if this baby has the same exact problem as the first? All these questions running through your head.

And after losing a baby, getting pregnant again brings a whole new level of emotion.

You worry you won’t be able to get pregnant again. You see others getting pregnant and having happy and healthy pregnancies and sometimes you feel sadness, anger or jealousy. Why didn’t my pregnancy end with a healthy baby? Why are they able to go through their pregnancy never knowing the amount of worry you have had to endure? But at the same time, you would never wish what you have gone through on anyone else.

Sometimes it is easy to try and push away the initial fears and focus just on the getting pregnant side of things. The fear is always there in the corner of your mind and is a constant reminder to you of the possible things that could happen if you do get pregnant again. Even though you tell yourself that, statistically, it is more likely for your pregnancy to be a healthy one, that fear never leaves.

I know for some that it can be a debilitating fear that makes them not ever want to get pregnant again. I am on the opposite end of the spectrum and wanted to try to get pregnant again the second I was cleared to. I feel like something was stolen from me and want to, for the lack of a better word, reclaim what I was supposed to have.

The drive to want another baby is so strong after a loss.

I think this is because the second you find out you are pregnant, you can’t help but start imagining a future with that child. Even before you know anything about the baby, they become a part of you and your life plans. Once that baby is taken from you, the vision you had remains. While you know that you could never replace the one you lost, and would never try to, you want another baby to refill that vision you still have.

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, even if we do not always know what that reason is. For whatever reason, I was not meant to have the baby I lost. I have struggled with understanding why, but I just won’t ever know. I have tried to make peace with this, but it is hard to make sense of things like this. I believe that when I do get pregnant again, that it will be with the child I was meant to have. Why I was meant to have one over the other, I will never understand. But I do know once I hold that special rainbow baby in my arms, all my fears and struggles will melt away and it will all be worth it.

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