Today, I thought I was miscarrying…

… because I didn’t feel any morning sickness.

… because I felt too sick, and really fatigued.

… because I had intermittent back pain.

… because I swore the gush of mucus I just felt was blood.

… because I spotted.

… because I’m “advanced maternal age” and fear it’s inevitable.

… because I told someone I am pregnant and now I’m convinced I just jinxed it.

… because I had gas pain that felt like they could be cramps.

… because I had cramping and was convinced it was the beginning of the end.

… because I read about another woman’s pregnancy loss.

… because I have an appointment with week and I’m bracing for bad news.

… because for a moment, I got excited about another baby coming into my world.

… because I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The first trimester is incredibly hard during a pregnancy after loss.

Reassurances that the pregnancy is viable, and the baby is growing are so hard to come by. There aren’t movements to track, kicks to count, or reliable ways to check the baby’s heartbeat at home. It’s the ultimate head game of trying to believe everything is okay with virtually no ways to confirm that. So you just have to wait, and trust your body is doing what it’s supposed to do.

So, today, I had to remind myself that this is a different pregnancy, with a different ending. Today, I had to remind myself that I’m controlling everything I can to keep this baby safe. Today, I had to remind myself that there’s hope, and that not every pregnancy results in a loss. Today, I had to believe this baby will be born healthy and alive.

Today, I reminded myself that my love and desire for this baby is greater than my fear of losing her. Today, I chose hope.

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