Today, I thought I was miscarrying…

By |2018-09-12T19:56:24+00:00September 12th, 2018|1st Trimester, Pregnancy|0 Comments

Today, I thought I was miscarrying…

… because I didn’t feel any morning sickness.

… because I felt too sick, and really fatigued.

… because I had intermittent back pain.

… because I swore the gush of mucus I just felt was blood.

… because I spotted.

… because I’m “advanced maternal age” and fear it’s inevitable.

… because I told someone I am pregnant and now I’m convinced I just jinxed it.

… because I had gas pain that felt like they could be cramps.

… because I had cramping and was convinced it was the beginning of the end.

… because I read about another woman’s pregnancy loss.

… because I have an appointment with week and I’m bracing for bad news.

… because for a moment, I got excited about another baby coming into my world.

… because I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The first trimester is incredibly hard during a pregnancy after loss.

Reassurances that the pregnancy is viable, and the baby is growing are so hard to come by. There aren’t movements to track, kicks to count, or reliable ways to check the baby’s heartbeat at home. It’s the ultimate head game of trying to believe everything is okay with virtually no ways to confirm that. So you just have to wait, and trust your body is doing what it’s supposed to do.

So, today, I had to remind myself that this is a different pregnancy, with a different ending. Today, I had to remind myself that I’m controlling everything I can to keep this baby safe. Today, I had to remind myself that there’s hope, and that not every pregnancy results in a loss. Today, I had to believe this baby will be born healthy and alive.

Today, I reminded myself that my love and desire for this baby is greater than my fear of losing her. Today, I chose hope.

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About the Author:

Rebecca Markert
Rebecca Markert lives in Verona, Wisconsin, with her husband, Mike, and their three living children, Dexter, Audrey, and Owen. She gave birth to her first child, Lily, on Mother's Day 2010 after she went into preterm labor at 20 weeks. Rebecca had a septate uterus, which put her at risk for preterm labor and an incompetent cervix, among other things. Lily was a beautiful baby girl with her daddy's nose and her mommy's feet. She was stillborn. She was proof that love at first sight does exist. After another high risk pregnancy, Rebecca welcomed her rainbow, Dexter, in 2011. During her second pregnancy after loss, Rebecca realized how anxious and fearful she still was and sought out other women expecting again after loss. She, along with four other courageous mamas, formed the Rainbow Pregnancies of Madison group, which supports women pregnant after loss. Rebecca is still the facilitator of that group, which meets monthly and has an active, private Facebook page.

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