Tips from PAL Moms is a column at PALS Magazine where we ask you, the PAL mom, for feedback about your experience during pregnancy after loss. We ask a question on our Facebook Page and hope that you can help answer it while also benefiting from the answers, all in an effort to relate and learn from fellow moms who “get it.”
Have any other moms who lost a baby and then had a successful pregnancy had the desire to have more children? Sometimes I have an incredible urge to try again. Then I feel like I had my rainbow, and I had an amazing pregnancy with him, so I just don’t want to take the chance of something bad happening again. I feel like I have pushed the whole idea of becoming pregnant again out of my head as a result of this fear. How do I get past it?
Oh, mama, I feel your pain! We all know what a scary journey pregnancy after loss is. I can see how doing it again after having a healthy rainbow could make you feel like you’re “tempting” fate, but I don’t think it’s fair to put that kind of added pressure on yourself.
Unfortunately, moms in the loss community are no longer able to look at pregnancy and parenting in the carefree manner so many other mamas do. We’ve experienced heartbreak firsthand. We’ve become one of the statistics, and we know what it really means to be one in four. I know this knowledge makes the thoughts of trying again terrifying.
Mama, like everything else in parenting, the decision to try again, or not to try again, has to be a personal choice, but I’m encouraging you to take a leap of faith and try again. If you’re already having the urges for another baby, those feelings are only going to grow stronger. I know how much it would hurt to lose a baby, and I do understand that fear because “the worst” could happen again. Don’t let it stop you from living. If you did, you wouldn’t have your amazing son. I think if you don’t try, I think you will always mourn for the baby you always wanted but never had.
If you do decide to have another baby, be sure to surround yourself with family, friends, and medical professionals who will support your needs during your pregnancy. Please check out our PALS From Professionals Archive for advice from our Professional Contributors on advocating for yourself during your pregnancy.
Here are some great TIPS from other PAL moms:
Larissa – “I’ve had two since my daughter’s death. After my first PAL I couldn’t imagine having more. Then, months later, I realised the desire for another child was stronger than the fear. That PAL was easier, mostly because I had my son to distract me. We would love more children but no where near ready yet.”
Jenna – “My first pregnancy was a loss. I went on to have 2 more living children. I am 40 now and am struggling with the idea of not having any more children. I have been told you lose the “urge” to have another child. While I believe my “urge” to have another baby is gone, I don’t feel like my family is complete. I keep thinking this feeling would be resolved if we had more living children. Then my husband pointed out to me our family would never be complete because our Philip isn’t here with us. This isn’t the same situation but something similar. I hope it helps.”
Emily – “I just had my rainbow 3 weeks ago, but the thought of “would I do it again” has been on my mind a lot too. I packed up my maternity clothes this week and thought, should I keep them or am I testing fate? I’m curious to read what other mamas say.”
Miranda – “I’d say keep them, you never know what might happen! Plus, maternity clothes are expensive! Congratulations on your birth!”
*To read more Tips from PAL Moms about this specific question visit our Facebook Page.
*If you are looking for more perspective about having another baby after a successful pregnancy after loss, please read the following PALS original pieces: Larissa Genat’s “A Second Rainbow” and Eileen Tully’s “Three Ways my Second Rainbow Pregnancy is Different From my First – Bump Day Blogger Eileen Week 14”
*If you have a question that you would like to ask other PAL moms, please message us on our Facebook Page.