Tina’s Bump Day Blog, Week 33: Just Breathe.

By | 2016-10-13T17:13:07+00:00 September 28th, 2015|33weeks, Bump Day Blog, Uncategorized|0 Comments

Week 33 is a strange one. Week 34 will be, too. Not as far as this pregnancy goes physically. All is still well. Baby is actually already made way into right against my cervix and will probably have a pretty considerable cone head from being so far into the birth canal for so many weeks. Ultrasound last week revealed that babe is also pushed so hard against the side of my uterus that he or she will probably follow in big sister’s foot steps and have a crooked nose at birth. We’re scheduling a fetal echo today at our routine OB appointment because after birth I want to be able to enjoy this baby and not worry about if he or she is really heart healthy.

Now to the “strange.” It’s a weird feeling knowing last year at this time my son was alive and thriving…well, surviving. I feel him in the cool autumn night air. The evidence of his life surrounding my every move. His once existence is more real to me than it has been in a very long time. I don’t know that I’ll feel like this next year and the years to come between his birthdate and his death date. After October 9th, I can no longer say, “my son died less than a year ago.” The feeling that thought leaves me with isn’t mysterious at all. I know that feeling all too well: emptiness. My heart is holding its breath… It’s resting before it starts to sink all over again and struggle to breathe come October 9th.

I want to live in the year of my son forever. That’s part of pregnancy after loss that’s toughest for me. If I were to live in the year of Abraham forever I would never meet this baby. I would still have Juliette because she lived in the “before”, but this baby didn’t.. To say that Abraham means more to me than this child would be wrong. I want to love, nurture and raise this baby so badly I can hardly contain myself. When I sit and think about time moving forward though, all I can do is cry. Then, I quickly pull it together, put my big girl panties on and remind myself that there isn’t a rewind button on life. Time doesn’t allow us to go backward and loving on another baby isn’t detrimental to my soul and absolutely isn’t letting Abraham down. It’s like that Anna Nalick song that’s been playing on repeat in my head for days:

And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe.

Sometimes all you can do is just breathe.
On a lighter note, Abraham’s birthday last Tuesday was beautiful. It wasn’t nearly as difficult as I had anticipated. It was full of God’s presence and glory. We took a gift basket “from Abraham” to the hospital for a newborn boy, went out to dinner to celebrate Abraham’s life, thanked the good Lord for our precious babies and just enjoyed the day that God had made. After all, it was one of the best dates of my life.


Juliette decided that Abraham would have chosen the double fudge chocolate chip muffin for his birthday breakfast. She also chose to eat it for him.



Here’s my sunshine getting ready to deliver the gift basket “from Abraham” to a newborn boy.



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About the Author:

Tina Greer
Tina Greer is a wife and mother, currently residing in The Quad Cities, Illinois, with her husband and daughter. In October of 2012, their daughter, Juliette was born. Tina dove in to motherhood head first, determined to be the best for her sweet girl. Within the first year, Tina quit her day job to focus fully on being a mommy. Just 15 months after Juliette was born, Tina and her husband were terrified when they learned that they were expecting again. Fortunately, as reality set in that they were now parents of two, the excitement soon followed. Then, at 20 weeks they learned that their baby boy's heart had several defects and while they were all operable, these defects had never been documented all in one heart, making his chances of survival less than ideal. On top of his CHD he also was asplenic, making him even more susceptible to infection. After given the option of termination of pregnancy several times, Tina and her husband knew that wasn't an option for them. They were going to take this child as he was: a precious gift from God. On September 22, 2014, their son Abraham Isaiah was born at 37 weeks and 5 days. He was born blue and turning gray and had to be revived and intubated immediately. Abraham was given a 20% survival rate through the cath procedure to open up an obstruction in his pulmonary veins in his first 24 hours of life. By God's amazing grace, he made it. His vitals started improving and he started looking more like a healthy baby. At 3 weeks old Abraham had his first OHS to reroute his pulmonary veins. His heart was healed, but he developed an infection that went septic and his tiny body couldn't fight it. At 17 days old, on October 9th, 2014, Tina and her husband chose to take Abraham off life support, after diligent prayer and confirmation in their decision, and end his suffering. As 15+ of their closest friends and family stood around them, they sang "Amazing Grace" in harmony and handed Abraham back to Jesus. Now just 7 months after Abraham's death, at 14 weeks pregnant, Tina is trying to grieve while praising God for new life, all while weathering the storms of pregnancy after loss. You can read more about Abraham at her blog Dear Abraham where she addresses letters to Abraham and expresses her grief, joy and the ever-changing emotions of raising a toddler.

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