Pregnancy test

You stare down at the pregnancy test. It confirms – as the others you took before it- that you’re pregnant again. All sorts of emotions bubble to the surface. Joy, excitement, overwhelming love – there’s going to be a another baby! There’s relief. You did it. You conceived!

But that’s also accompanied by panic, trepidation, and overwhelming fear. Nothing’s guaranteed. This you know all too well.

You tell your partner and you’re both consumed with excitement, and tears of happiness flow! Another baby to love! This is what we wanted.

Then – as if you both realize it at the same time – you freeze in terror. Nothing’s guaranteed. This excitement might jinx you. You think: “We can’t lose another.” “We can’t survive another loss.” You feel the heartbreak both physically and emotionally, and you aren’t sure you’re ready again for this journey.

You want to tell everyone you’re pregnant again. Yet, you want no one to know. Hiding in a cave for the next nine months sounds good too.

You calculate the due date repeatedly. You read information about week 4 or week 5 over and over. Even though you know what the updates are for that gestational week, you continue to refresh the page to see it again. You read about the baby’s size (it’s the size of a poppyseed now) and wonder if you should be feeling more morning sickness. You think about what will need to change to accommodate this new little one. But you don’t put anything down as a certainty.

You start wondering if you’ll love this baby as much as the first one. You wonder how this baby will change your family. You don’t want to wonder anything about this baby. You just want to focus on getting through today.

You keep going to the bathroom to check and make sure there’s no bleeding.

You feel like you’re moving on. This is a new chapter. This is the moment when things will change. Grief over the first will take a backseat to anxiety about potentially having to grieve another. You’re not sure you’re ready to take this on. But it’s also all you’ve wanted since you said goodbye to your other baby.

You wonder if you should you call the OB now or wait to see if this one really sticks? You wish it wouldn’t take so long to get to that dating ultrasound. Why can’t they confirm the pregnancy earlier? You wish they could tell you now that it’s a viable pregnancy. That this one will make it. You want – need – the guarantee.

40 weeks never felt longer.

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