Last month I left you all hanging, having just signed up for my first ever non-baby loss program for Bee. I figured it would be good to fill you in on what really happened.
You know those fears we have as baby loss parents, the uncomfortable situations, the anxiety tends to build before big events and then the event happens and it really wasn’t anything like you anticipated it to be? That’s what happened.
Heading to our first ever dance class, I was anxious. I felt nauseated with grief. I didn’t know what to expect, which to someone with anxiety, is never easy to swallow. The fear crept up from my feet into my throat as we walked in the door, I felt like I was being choked. All of this over a dance class for my daughter. But, the fear was there, the fear always seems to be there when I encounter new situations. I fear having to talk about my boys. I feel guilt not talking about them, it is such a hard balance. But there we stood, no time for introductions, we moved right into dance and as the weeks went by, there was never time for small talk. I’ve been able to let out a huge sigh of relief. No time to talk means no uncomfortable situations for me and instead I get to see innocence through my daughter’s eyes and really truly enjoy it.
Bee delighted in the music and class, it taught her about taking her turn and learning some new skills (jumping) and it melted my heart to see her enjoying life. To see her innocence of the world, just being a “normal” 2 year old. My grief, our world has not struck her yet, she does not fully understand and for this moment, for this brief moment in time, she is oblivious to life’s pains. I want her to hold onto that for as long as she can. I want her to dance until the moon rises late in the evening, under the stars. I want her to love, I want her to live through her life and hold onto her innocence. I know I cannot keep the pain of life away from her, but for these few short years, I want her to cherish them as much as I do. The time will come to deal with the reality of life and right now, I need to swallow my grief and not let it inhibit her.
We loved it so much we signed up for another class. At least for the next one, one of our good baby loss mama friends and her little boy will be joining us. We’ll be the ones avoiding everyone else in the corner so we don’t have to have “that” talk. So rainbow parents, you can do it, sign up for that class you’ve wanted to take but have held off doing because you fear it. Don’t let the fear rule you, you tell it who is boss and watch your child and bathe in the innocence they have while it lasts.