I expected last Monday to be harder than it was. As I mentioned in my last post, it was the one year anniversary of losing our daughter. I debated on whether I should go to work or not. I am lucky to work in an environment of people that are understanding and decided to go in. I am glad I did. I just didn’t know if I would be sad and want to cry all day or what exactly to expect.
I actually found that I had a lot of happy moments that day along with the sad ones. I was excited when people told me all of the acts of kindness they did in honor of Jasmine. A group of moms I am in on Facebook all lit candles and posted pics of the candles they lit in her honor. It made me cry and made me smile. I had another friend make cupcakes and sing happy birthday for her. And people who sent me messages letting me know they are thinking of my family and me.
Overall, I think the day went better than I expected.
Sometimes the anticipation of things is worse than the actual event, and I think that applies here. A year feels like such a big milestone and you don’t really know what to expect or how you will be feeling. All the Facebook memories of that day pop back up and you basically feel like you are somewhat reliving what happened. I wanted to not sit around and be sad all day and instead, wanted to try to remember the happy moments I did have with her for the short time she was in our lives.
One great thing about it all is that I saw how many people loved and cared for both me, my daughter, and my family. That is always a great feeling to know there are so many who care and so many others that won’t forget her. It is just nice knowing that I am not the only one who remembers her. We made cupcakes that day and had them in her honor. My son even said that he wanted to save one just for her.
I also had another MFM appointment yesterday and everything is still looking good.
Everything looks normal and she was measuring around 1 lb 15 oz, which is right on track. It’s hard to believe the words when they say, “Everything looks great.” She had her face towards my spine, so we didn’t even get any cute pics of her face at all. Even now, at 26 weeks, I still feel like I sometimes wait for the other shoe to drop. But, fortunately, that feeling is getting less and less, and I feel like my confidence is growing.
I go to my OB again in two weeks for my glucose screening. That will also be the start of my third trimester. Sometimes it feels like time is dragging by and sometimes it feels so fast. But, June still seems so far away!
I also had a silly thing happen today that was both funny and made me worry. Our work brings in lunch for us once a week during tax season and today included some chips. I took some back to my desk and then, of course, dropped them on the floor. I was sitting in my chair and trying to bend over to pick them up and it wasn’t very effective. Then after I got them, I worried I bent over too much and hurt the baby. My sweet coworker said just let her know next time and she would help me, but I felt silly doing that. And I know she is well protected in there, but it just shows that even the smallest most random things still make you worry after you have had a loss.
I’m counting down the weeks now, with only 14 to go!