The one year anniversary of losing our angel daughter is fast approaching on March 11th. I didn’t exactly know how I would be feeling come that day. I mean, I knew obviously I would be sad and be missing her, but I just don’t really know the extent of what the feelings will be. I wasn’t sure if I should go in to work and try to stay distracted or try to work at home so I don’t have to be around people. I am the type of person that likes to stay busy and doesn’t really want to wallow around at home all day.
I have also found that this time leading up until that day is already more emotional than I expected. Little things are making me sad or tear up and want to cry. I am a lot more irritable with people and have little patience. Just subtle changes I have noticed and I feel like are related to the big day that’s coming up.
I had a horrible dream the other night that I stopped feeling this baby move and knew we had lost her.
I was all alone when it happened and then had to go tell my husband and my son. And my son was crying a lot and I woke up super upset. It was one of those dreams that felt so real that when I woke up I was afraid that it had actually happened. I woke up and turned over and desperately begged this baby to move. When she did, it was such a relief. The movement with our angel daughter basically stopped overnight and then we lost her just a few days later, so this is a very real fear of mine. I was thrown off the rest of the day and so afraid any time there was a longer gap in between her movements. It was honestly so terrifying, and I know it’s all related to this one year anniversary.
I am just playing it by ear to see how I feel that day.
I have told some of my co-workers about my loss and I know they are very understanding about it, which is really great. I feel a little better knowing how big of a support system that I have behind me with friends, family, and co-workers. I think one of the biggest things for me is that I need to let myself grieve and not push the feelings aside. My tendency is to do that because it’s just too painful and I just don’t want to go through that. But I know I need to be kind to myself and let some of the feelings out. I can’t repress them forever.
I also decided to go ahead and keep my appointment with the MFM that morning.
I think it will be a healing thing to be able to see this baby on the one year anniversary of losing her sister. And I know our angel daughter will be there with us helping to protect her brother and sister. I also decided that I think I want to make some cupcakes in honor of her. Strawberry ones. It is what I would have had at her first birthday party.
We recently found some frames you can hang on the wall that have a spot for a picture and a spot underneath for the hospital bracelet.
We bought three and put one up for our son, one for our angel daughter, and one for this current pregnancy. We used an ultrasound picture for the current pregnancy until she is born. We hung them on the wall leading up to the stairs and every time I walk up or down the stairs, I always pause to look at each one and am happy to see all three pictures there. All three of my beautiful children.
And to end on a happy note, my baby shower and my maternity pictures are officially scheduled, so I am allowing myself to continue to believe this pregnancy will end in a good result. I am finding ways to pay tribute to this rainbow baby and our angel daughter with these pictures and am really excited to see how they will turn out.