All of us face challenges in our life, but sometimes it seems that we are forced to face more than others. And it makes you wonder, am I being punished? Did I do something to deserve this? Am I really that bad of a person? In an ideal world, bad things don’t happen to good people, so you think well maybe I’m not such a good person. But what I have learned is that bad things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. None of us are perfect, but we all face things that we don’t think we can handle or that we don’t think we deserve.
It has taken me a long time to accept that.
When you have several bad things happen in a row you just think, how can I be kicked down any further? How can I take anymore? But then you realize that you have made it all through and that you are so much stronger than when you first began.
I spent time thinking and wishing that I could do anything to go back and save my daughter. I thought of things I could have tried differently and if they would have changed the end result. Right after the loss, I agonized over it. And then I had to accept that there was absolutely nothing I could do to change the fact that she is gone. This doesn’t mean that I’m not sad about it or angry about it. It doesn’t change that I would still do anything to have her back. But it does mean that I had to stop beating myself up over the decisions I made.
A few months after the loss, I decided that I truly believed I was a strong person.
I had just made it through one of the worst things that can happen to a person, in my opinion. Instead of rolling over and admitting defeat, I decided to make some changes. I decided that life was short and I wasn’t happy with the way some things in my life were going. I found a new job that I love and is a way better environment for me and one that is understanding of my past loss even though they didn’t go through it with me.
Most importantly, I decided that I wanted to help other people who had gone or were going through infertility, a difficult pregnancy, or a loss. I was so lucky to have such a great support system during my pregnancy and loss. I had family members, friends, and even strangers I had never met cheering and hoping for us every step of the way. And I know that not everyone has that. I want to be that person for those who don’t have that person. To be there for those that don’t want to talk about it now, but might want to later.
The journey of having kids is not easy for everyone and not everyone has someone they can talk to about it who understands.
We don’t need the comments of “it’ll happen when it’s time” or “maybe it wasn’t meant to be.” We all just need to know that our feelings are valid, no matter what they may be. The sadness, the anger, the hurt, and sometimes even the shame or embarrassment that can come along with having trouble getting pregnant or having a loss. One of the best things I was ever told from one of the hospital workers after my loss was that whatever I was feeling in that moment was the right way to be feeling. And instead of trying to push all these uncomfortable feelings away, we need to learn to embrace them on our own time. This is what I want to help people with.
I also want to bring more awareness to loss issues and let people know that they aren’t alone. I have always been open on my journey and my feelings and I don’t really care if it makes people uncomfortable. If people are uncomfortable, it’s their own issue, not mine. The way that people react to what you say is a reflection of them, not a reflection of you because we can’t make anyone feel anything. I mention this because it’s something that took me a long time to realize.
I was worried about making people uncomfortable and then I realized that it doesn’t matter.
If they don’t want to read it, they don’t have to read it. As long as it is helping in my healing process, I feel that’s all that matters. I’m not saying that other people and their feelings don’t matter, but how can we ever be more open to talking about loss when we are so afraid of what others will feel or think? These are all of the reasons why I have made it my mission to bring the topic of loss out in the open so no one feels they aren’t allowed or able to talk about it openly.