We went into a baby store over the weekend to look for some furniture for the new baby. I always love the smell of the baby stores because it’s a familiar smell. As we went in though, I realized the last time we set foot in one was for our son. With all the stress of the pregnancy with our angel daughter, we never went to the store. We were too afraid to buy anything for her at first. Most of what we have came from my baby shower or the things I finally decided to buy towards the end of the pregnancy. The things I bought were mostly online.

It hit me in a weird way. I didn’t expect to be sad going in there, but was surprised by it.

These were the things I wish I could have done with my angel daughter. Gone and bought her things and not been afraid.  Even now, I still get scared thinking about buying things. It wasn’t like this with our son. I was super excited to go out and buy the cute clothes and things for him. After a loss, it feels almost like bad luck to buy anything. Will buying things jinx the pregnancy? No, of course not, but you don’t always think logically after a loss. We still left the store without buying anything.

We then went to a different store today to look at furniture again. I found the perfect picture frame that had a spot for the hospital bracelet. I had wanted one for my son, so bought one. Then we decided to buy one for the new baby as well. Then realized we needed one for our angel daughter too. Even though she never wore the hospital bracelet, we still have it. And I will be proud to have all three of my children displayed.

While looking, another couple started talking to us about the baby and they were also due around the same time. They of course asked if this was our first. That is always the dreaded question. You don’t want to explain the whole situation about the loss, but you feel bad not including the loss because it feels like you are leaving out a child. I wanted to say, this is our third. But instead, said this is our second. Because it’s obviously just easier with strangers. But in my head, of course I was thinking about her.

This brought me to my next thought about a baby shower.

I have had people ask me about if I was having one this time. My immediate thought was no because we don’t really need anything for her that we can’t just buy ourselves. We have most of the big items from our son and have a lot of things we saved from my baby shower with our angel daughter.

At the same time, I really would love to have something to celebrate this new baby without the expectation of gifts. I have heard about the sip and sees where people come afterwards to meet the new baby, but I am always weary of that many people being around my newborn baby. Especially after everything that happened with our angel daughter, I feel like I am even more vigilant about everything and this baby isn’t even born yet! I just want to be able to do something to celebrate this baby since I had celebrations for the other two.

I also realized today that we are less than three months away from the one year anniversary of the loss of our daughter.

In some ways it seems like it slowly crept up and in others I can’t believe it is already almost here. I will be 26 weeks pregnant with this current baby at the time. I know it is going to be an emotional time no matter what.

I saw several people I know today mention online that the New Year is hard for them because it feels like they are leaving the child they lost behind. I completely understand where that thought comes from, but I guess I didn’t feel that way about this particular milestone. My big one is going to be that one year anniversary. One thing I have learned with loss is that all of us have different things that trigger us. Something can bother some of us, but not bother others of us who have experience a loss. And one day something will bother me, but the next day it may not bother me at all. It’s all so hard to explain. All we can do is just take it one day at a time.

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