We had another appointment with the maternal fetal medicine specialist (MFM) on Monday. I was actually fine leading up to the appointment all last week and even yesterday. But, of course the anxiety came back this morning and I was freaking out right before. I tried to do my calming breathing technique, but just couldn’t get myself to focus on it like I usually can. The doctor said that everything still looks fine and normal, and we still don’t see any signs of the problems we had with our angel daughter.
I feel like with each appointment that goes well, I can breathe a tiny bit easier, but that the anxiety and feeling that they will find something wrong constantly nags at the back of my mind.
I don’t go back to the MFM for four weeks for the official anatomy scan. I remind myself that, as of now, I have no reason and no indication that anything is wrong with this baby. I tell myself to stop creating stories in my head and that I don’t have to prepare for the worst to happen. I feel like that’s what we do after a loss, always prepare for the worst. But I want to allow myself to enjoy this pregnancy and truly believe that we will get to bring this daughter home.
I have a friend who told me that whatever the sex of the baby ended up being, that it would be exactly what I needed and that Jasmine would be the one watching over and giving us what we need. This has really stuck with me and I really do believe it’s true.
When I first found out I was pregnant, I got a card in the mail signed by all of the nurses that had taken care of us through the delivery of Jasmine. It was so weird to receive that on the exact day I found out I was pregnant. I hadn’t heard anything from the hospital since the delivery, with the exception of one of the ladies that I kept in touch with. I took it as a sign that this baby would be okay and that this was on our path to healing.
This past week, my husband had to take a work trip to Portland. Last minute, we decided I would come up there to visit. I love Portland and am always up for visiting. He wanted to go skiing at Mount Hood, and I was happy to go up there and see the snow on the mountain, since we obviously don’t get that here in my part of Texas. I decided not to attempt skiing since I have only ever tried once before and didn’t think it was a good idea to try to learn while pregnant. The last time I fell quite a few times! So, I sat and read my book while he went skiing and it was nice to just relax for a bit. It was also nice to feel at peace and not think about the things I have lost. The feelings and worry are always there, but I was able to push them aside and just be in the moment, which was amazing for my mental health. I started thinking about how I wanted to go on a ski trip with our son and our second daughter when she is born.
I came back home and the stockings I had ordered for Jasmine and for my 4 year old son had come in. I wasn’t sad to see it. I was happy to have something to include her in our Christmas celebration. I showed it to my son and told him it was for baby Jasmine and that the other one was for him. He was super excited and went to hang his up right away. I’m having more moments where I don’t feel automatically sad thinking about her. It just means that I am healing, not that I am ever moving on. The best thing I have ever seen about grief said that grief does not get smaller or disappear over time. It stays the same and we simply grow around it. So while my grief is not gone, my life is changing and I am growing.
When I got off work after the appointment, I immediately saw a rainbow in the sky. I believe it is Jasmine letting us know she is okay and telling us she is watching over us and watching over her brother and sister.