As of last Sunday, I am officially 13 weeks and almost out of the first trimester. Most people breathe a sense of relief after leaving the first trimester because that is supposedly when the miscarriage rates drop and also when some of the annoying first trimester symptoms start to go away. Even though I had a late term loss, I still look at the end of the first trimester as passing a milestone. I have several milestones to pass along the way. Even when I get past 32 weeks, which is when we lost her, I still will be afraid that something could happen and she won’t come home with us.
One of the most major milestones was last week with the NT Scan. As I have mentioned before, this was when they first found the signs of CDH with Jasmine. Her heart was on the wrong side and some of her organs had already pushed up into the chest cavity. They had us come back to confirm at 15 weeks. I have another appointment with the MFM on Monday, at 14 weeks, and am still terrified that they will find something they didn’t see on the 12 week scan.
I am trying to let myself believe that things really will be okay.
The MFM said that as of the last appointment, she looked like a normal baby. As of today, I have no reason to believe anything is wrong. I keep reminding myself of this. I was afraid to create a room for our first daughter after her diagnosis. We were facing a possibly very lengthy hospital stay in a different state and this played a factor in that as well. Then, when I finally felt ready to do it, we ended up losing her shortly after. I had decided I did not want to be afraid anymore and that I just wanted to remain positive that she would pull through all of this. I never actually hung anything up in the room that would have been hers, but I did buy decorations for it. With this second daughter, we are choosing to go ahead and start making a room for her.
I don’t want to be afraid. I don’t want all the joy taken away like it was last pregnancy.
We had a shower for our angel daughter and I received a lot of things for her. I couldn’t bare to throw them away, and we just boxed them up. I knew we would try again for another baby, but had no idea if the baby would be another girl or if I would ever get to use those items. This past weekend, I started going through the things we had for her. I was mainly looking to find the hardware for the crib, since we somehow lost that in the move. I did not end up finding the thing I was looking for!
My 4 year old son was in there while I was looking through everything. While he was in there, my son kept asking if the items were for baby Jasmine. I told him they are now for the new baby sister. It was hard to go through everything without imaging what Jasmine would have looked like wearing the clothes or headbands we received. Or how sweet she would have looked sleeping in the crib that was once my son’s. But I also allowed myself to look to the future and think about the new baby doing all of these things. A majority of the things we received, I plan to use on our second daughter. But there are a few things that I am going to set aside because it’s just too hard.
For instance, I received a Superman onesie for her that meant a lot to me. She was going to be facing some tough obstacles with her diagnosis and I liked that this would show the fighter in her. I know she was a fighter and would’ve fought hard to kick CDH. When I got to this item in the box, I just couldn’t put it with the rest of the clothes for the new baby. It’s something special that is just for Jasmine.
When I was thinking of decorating her room, I wanted to somehow incorporate a Jasmine flower somehow.
I want to include something that reminds us of her without having this baby live in her shadow. I still have a lot of time to go before this baby comes, so I have time to decide how the room will look, but I just feel the need to get started right away. To make plans for this baby to actually come home with us.
At one point, he asked me if he could hold his baby sister when she was born. It melted my heart. He never got the chance to hold his first baby sister. And I so want him to get the chance with this baby. He is going to be an amazing big brother and I can’t wait to see the interactions between them.