I am so thrilled to finally be moving over to being a Bump Day Blogger and announce my pregnancy. My name is Sarah, and I have written a few other blog posts for PALS regarding trying to get pregnant after loss. We have a four year old son. Since his birth, I have had three total losses, including a chemical pregnancy, an early miscarriage, and the most recent was my daughter who was stillborn at 32 weeks in March 2018. She had mosaic trisomy 15 and CDH (congenital diaphragmatic hernia) that was caused by the trisomy.

I am currently a little over 12 weeks pregnant and so ready to be out of the first trimester.  I’m hoping to get that second trimester burst of energy.  But I have a 4 year old son at home, so I kind of doubt that will happen!

 

Part of me wanted to announce right away when we found out.

But we agreed to wait until after our NT (nuchal translucency) scan. The NT scan was when they first found our first daughter’s congenital heart defect (CDH), so I was pretty anxious about this. When you have had a loss, everything is scary. You worry about the doctor finding the exact same thing wrong with a subsequent pregnancy, but you also worry that they will find something else wrong that is completely different than before.

I was referred out to a maternal fetal medicine specialist (MFM) due to my previous history. I had a bad experience with my MFM during that pregnancy, so I knew that I definitely did not want to go back to the same doctor. I had the noninvasive prenatal testing (NIPT) done, which came back normal, but it came back normal with my daughter too.  Her issues were not something that could be detected through that test.

The NIPT also told us that we were having a girl!

After losing our daughter, I really wanted another girl. So much so that I was sure I was having another boy because I didn’t think I would have what I was hoping for. I found that although I was thrilled to find out we were having a girl, I was also slightly disappointed about not having another boy. Mainly because I love my son and love having a boy. This is our last baby and I had a moment of sadness thinking I will never have another little boy. But, I’m also am super excited to get the chance to have a living daughter.

My appointment wasn’t until 1:45 PM on Monday, so I of course was useless at work. I couldn’t concentrate and was just trying to keep the anxiety in check. I went from telling myself that the odds are on my side for everything to be fine to feeling sure they would find something wrong. I was seeing a new doctor, so had no idea what to expect from them.

My husband and I got to the appointment and got called back. Fortunately, we didn’t have to wait too long for the ultrasound tech to come in. When they got our daughter on the screen, she was moving around like crazy.  She flipped onto her side and even her stomach at one point. They even had a hard time getting the heart rate because she wouldn’t be still. The first piece of good news was that she measured exactly on track and was even a day ahead.

After she finished, the doctor came in. She told us that everything was looking good.

While she was taking a look, I had questions for her. Did the heart appear to be in the correct spot? The heart being pushed over to the wrong side was the first sign that something was wrong with our first daughter. She said it was on the correct side. Our first daughter had a 2-vessel cord, which the old MFM really focused on, as it can sometimes be linked to chromosome issues (but also is completely fine sometimes). I asked about this and if this looked like another 2-vessel cord, and she said it looked normal and fine. The final question I asked was if she thought she would be able to see the CDH if it was present. Since the signs in our daughter were pretty obvious, she said she thought she would be able to see them at this point. So basically, as of now, the baby looks like a normal baby.

What I hate about having a loss like our daughter’s is that my first thought was, “Oh, it might be too early and they just can’t see anything yet since the baby is so small.”  During my last pregnancy, it seemed like every appointment brought a new thing that was wrong, and it’s so hard to not revert back to that thinking. I had a hard time just accepting that things are okay right now.

Since the appointment went well, we decided to go ahead and announce on social media and tell our son.

We had waited to tell him until after this appointment too, just in case. I was so happy to finally announce. It was great to get it all out in the open and to hear all the congratulations. This pregnancy has already been full of anxiety and fear and it’s nice to take a moment to just celebrate it and be excited about our second daughter. I keep repeating to myself that everything is okay and I have no reason to believe anything is wrong. Making myself believe it can be a different story, but I am taking it one day at a time.

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