People say the darndest things when you are pregnant again after a loss

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“You’re pregnant already?” – Why yes, I am! I’m not sure what you mean by this comment. However, my plans for building my family, how I choose to go about it, and when I choose to do it is really not something I need your feedback on or comments about. Thanks!

“See, Everything happens for a reason.” – Nope. Just don’t say this!!! Ever! Not everything happens for a reason, and you know I’m okay with that. I’ve come to terms with the fact that sometimes things happen that are unfair and don’t make sense, like the death of a child. When you say this to me, you are not trying to comfort me, you are really trying to comfort yourself. Again, just don’t say this, ever.

“Are you worried that this baby might die too?” – What do you think? Of course I am. Wouldn’t you be? Silly question.

“Are you sure you want to risk it?” – Um, what? Are you implying that I did something wrong in my last pregnancy that caused my baby to die? What am I exactly risking? If you don’t know why my baby died and your not my doctor, please don’t ask stupid questions. Then I won’t reply with curt answers.

“Don’t worry. It won’t happen again.” – Do you have crystal ball at home I don’t know about? The reality is we just don’t know what will happen. I didn’t think it would happen the first time. What makes you so sure it won’t happen now?

“Congrats! You can move on now.” – You don’t move on from losing a child. One child does not replace another. Saying this is just plain rude.

“Your family is now complete.” – Um, what? You don’t know what my thoughts are on what would make my family feel complete to me. Also, the sad truth about life after loss is that in some ways my family will never feel complete. There will always be someone missing.

What have you heard? How do you reply to the silly things people say to you when your pregnant again after a loss?

*Photo Source: Rainier meets Ruston by Brandon Koch at Flickr, use allowed with Creative Commons 2.0 license.

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By | 2016-10-13T17:08:41+00:00 May 24th, 2016|Pregnancy|8 Comments

About the Author:

Lindsey Henke

Lindsey Henke is the founder and Executive Director of Pregnancy After Loss Support, writer, clinical social worker, wife, and most importantly a mother to two beautiful daughters and one sweet-cheeked baby boy. Tragically, her oldest daughter, Nora was stillborn after a healthy full-term pregnancy in December of 2012. Since then, she has turned to writing on her blog, Still Breathing. Lindsey was featured as Pregnancy and Newborn Magazine’s Knocked Up Blogger during her pregnancy with her second daughter, Zoe, who was born healthy and alive in March of 2014. Her writing about life after loss has been featured on Still Standing Magazine, Listen to Your Mother, Scary Mommy, Healthline, Postpartum Progress, and The New York Times. Lindsey can be reached by email.

8 Comments

  1. Jane May 25, 2016 at 1:04 am - Reply

    Truely heard and hurtful:
    “Haven’t you had enough? ”
    Think this might mean enough babies but was too shocked to ask!

  2. Steph May 25, 2016 at 5:57 am - Reply

    “You can’t worry! It’ll hurt/it’s not good for baby!”
    While obviously too much stress isn’t great, the implied blame and sheer ignorance of this statement infuriates me.

  3. Pam June 3, 2016 at 12:19 pm - Reply

    I have recently found out I am expecting again after we lost our baby boy at 23w in January. I am anxious about the pregnancy as it is but the thought of telling people and their reaction… And my reaction to their reaction is making me nervous.
    I am so pleased i have found this page.

  4. Windi August 24, 2017 at 8:01 pm - Reply

    “Why are you NOT already pregnant” or “Just try again, you’ll get over it” are the most hurtful thing I’ve heard.

    More than anything I would want to be pregnant again but I can’t control it and I will never just get over it even if I had multiple healthy babies.

  5. Christy August 25, 2017 at 9:59 pm - Reply

    After my daughter died (from cancer at age 2), and ended up with a very shocking positive pregnancy test 8 days after she died, a few months later I had someone say, ” well it’s the circle of life”. Seriously, my 2 year old is dead a s THAT’S the circle of.life?!!! Even 17 years later it still stands my heart and ticks me off! The death of a child is never the “circle of life”.

  6. Vanessa Pack August 29, 2017 at 2:55 pm - Reply

    My friend and I started PALS in Australia in 1994. We had both experienced multiple full term or mid term pregnancy losses.

  7. Toby October 27, 2017 at 9:46 pm - Reply

    Our loss, our first pregnancy, was a sweet little girl. Rainbow #1 was a boy, and when we found out that Rainbow #2 was a girl, people (coworkers) kept saying, “Oh, good, now you have one of each!” No. I already have one of each. When it comes from people who don’t know your full story it’s painful, but at least unintentional. When it comes from people who do know, it’s downright hurtful. I had to remind my direct supervisor a couple of times before she stopped saying it.

  8. Joanne October 28, 2017 at 3:51 pm - Reply

    I was told to try to believe that had she lived, she would have made me cry even more. Seriously?

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