From the time I found out I was pregnant with Evan, I referred to her as my Rainbow. I had to explain the term to many, as they had never heard it before. This term held, and still holds, significance for me. I even used it as inspiration for her middle name, “Roux.” I never considered our lost babies the storms, just the situations. Evan is not a replacement for them either, she is a baby that we knew we wanted to complete our family.
Since our first loss, I have been very open about our miscarriages. I hated that feeling of being alone and that it should be hidden. If I was somebody who needed to talk about it to find comfort, then there were probably other people feeling the same way. How terrible to feel so isolated during a time of grief- and let me tell you from experience, it is one of the worst feelings I have ever felt.
So to say that I had been open about Evan being our Rainbow Baby is pretty much a given. Like I mentioned before, we decided on a color inspired middle name to honor that status, I have little articles of clothing with rainbows for her, my Mother-In-Law crocheted a little rainbow colored bonnet for her newborn pictures, and I even have rainbow colored bows for her to wear in her “monthly” picture. Her being a Rainbow even plays a major role with our birth story, and the decision to be induced. It comes up a lot, and I’m sure people are tired of it.
Some are probably “over the rainbow.” Hearing about something over and over gets old sometimes, I get it. Sometimes I even question if I should refer to her as a Rainbow anymore. I’m sure that is a feeling people get when I talk about Evan. It can be awkward to keep hearing about our losses. It makes you feel uncomfortable and you don’t know what to say. I often wonder if bringing up our losses gives people the impression that I am not over them, or that we tried to replace what we had lost. Calling Evan our Rainbow is just another name for her. It is not for attention. It is not meant to make you feel sorry for us when we talk about our losses. It is a happy nickname. It was just a name I latched onto to give me hope that this pregnancy wouldn’t end. During those days where I was sure something would cause me to lose her, I held onto that dream of having a Rainbow. When our doctor offered an induction, I said yes because I needed to hold our Rainbow in my arms to end the easy pregnancy that was so hard for me. You may be sick of hearing about our Rainbow, but the name has stuck.
When Evan and her older sister, Charlie, are older, I plan to explain what the term means, and let them know that Evan was our Rainbow Baby. She is just as important and special as our first daughter, and our love for them is the same- so great and deep. Most of us have our nicknames, and this just happens to be Evan’s. Evan is now six months old, and she will always be known as our Rainbow. So if you are “over” the Rainbow, sorry, I’m not.