Not so happily ever after

By |2018-10-15T20:30:48+00:00October 15th, 2018|Parenting After Loss|2 Comments

Imagine being excited about something in your life. Something that you’ve already done but it’s different this time around because you have more experience and you just loved doing it the first time that you knew the second time around would be amazing!

You are so excited and confident it’s going to turn out even better because you’ve done it before. So that sort of makes you a know it all, right?

Since you are so confident you just tell everyone you know about it!

You are beaming! You celebrate every single step you take to get there. You don’t take it for granted, but you aren’t newbie so you feel like you know what to expect.

Some people aren’t too happy for you, but you don’t care. You know this is what you want. So, instead of building you up and celebrating, they are talking behind your back and trying to bring you down.

But you don’t care because you are the happiest you have ever been in your life. Your life is going as planned, and you are proud of it.

Finally, the big day comes.

You are so so happy you can’t even sleep. Things feel different, but this time around you weren’t doing things exactly how you did the first time, so you really weren’t sure what was happening.

Your journey to a happy ending is almost here! You go to collect knowing that you will have to put in the hard work but at the end it’ll be worth it. You are at the finish line you can almost taste it! Oh the joy…and then BOOOM!!! Every thing goes crazy!

Someone, hit the pause button.

There is silence, a deafening silence that only God knows.

Your happy ending is ripped away from you. Instead, you are stuck with the worse ending you have ever had to deal with. The type of ending in a book that you are like, “Wait, what just happened?” and decide to google to see what does this ending mean and if there is an alternate ending. Then you find out that this isn’t the ending. This is the beginning of a new chapter that you have no idea how you are going to survive. You have no control over this. You don’t even know what to do because you have yet to know anything about it. But, you are expected to still not only live BUT also smile, say you are okay, be kind, participate with other humans, hide how you really feel, simply continue your life as if nothing has happened.

Yup, that’s what pregnancy loss feels like….

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About the Author:

Ingrid Santana
Ingrid Santana, who resides in New York City, is a mother of her first son Liam, her daughter Leilani who was stillborn, a rainbow baby son Leighton, and soon to come, her double rainbow to be named later at a later date. She is a stay at home mom and a motivated self-employed fitness coach. After the loss of her daughter Ingrid felt hopeless, alone, and empty. She didn’t understand how in this day and age things like this still happened. After getting back on her feet, she decided she wanted to help others know that stillbirths can still happen today. Ingrid also, when in spired, writes occasionally on her blog Staying fit for my L's, about her experience and thoughts on life as a mother/wife before and after her pregnancy after loss and fitness journey. You can also follow her on Instagram at @stayingfitformls.


  1. Nancy Ramirez October 23, 2018 at 2:07 pm - Reply

    Ingrid, your post was right on! Thank you for writing and for letting me relate to such feelings. PAL has been so difficult for me. So having people i can relate to is so helpful.

  2. Lleliza Nova Santana October 24, 2018 at 7:21 pm - Reply

    Thank you Ingrid for sharing your story. Similar to mine except I was the newbie with a fear that came true. Reading the last sentences felt like someone finally understands how I feel. Thank you.

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