Nina’s Bump Day Blog, Week 9 – Inconclusive

By |2017-12-05T16:38:23+00:00December 4th, 2017|1st Trimester, Bump Day Blog|0 Comments

That is not what I wanted to hear at my 8 week check up with my doctor. The transvaginal ultrasound measurements were not on target. The fetal pole was measuring at about 6.5 weeks, and there was no heartbeat. Because not everyone gets their dates right, there is always a possibility that all is well. We scheduled a follow up ultrasound on the big machine for this week.

The thing is, I am confident in my dates. I have been tracking now for 3 years, even in my most casual tracking mode, I know what is up. I have a really predictable cycle. It doesn’t make sense that I would be that far off. If there is a difference between optimism and hope, I am living it right now. I am not optimistic, but I hope with every fiber of my being I am wrong. I would love to be wrong.

For now I am bracing myself.

How I do that is I let the people that have to deal with me everyday know what is going on, and that I don’t know what the next week will be like. That means colleagues at work – it’s a very empathetic, supportive culture in my office and I am so lucky – and at my theater. People who have watched me go through this before, some new folks that haven’t been around it before. Opening myself up to the range of reactions but probably everyone will be supportive and great. I make sure I have a therapist appointment scheduled this week. I cancel any performances or public outings for the time being, because no matter what happens, I am going to want to have time to myself. I try to stay away from Dr. Internet, because no knowledge I can gain at this point is going to help me deal with this.

Which makes me think: Is the knowledge I gained from the doctor actually helpful? The instinct for me after multiple losses is to monitor and check in as often as possible. But there isn’t much my doctor can actually do if there is something going on at this point. I think about my mother and her experiences. It was the early to mid-1970s, when you had to actually kill a rabbit to confirm pregnancy, so she didn’t have a test to find out she was pregnant on cycle day 28. She didn’t have access to ultrasounds. She would start to notice how tired she was and suspect she was pregnant, but it was a very different experience than it is for me. I know when I ovulate, I know the day I miss my period. I can see inside my uterus.

Her losses always came without warning. Would I rather have that experience? The panic and rush to the hospital to find out that nothing can be done? Or would I rather sit with the data, knowing nothing can be done? The real answer is I would rather not have to experience either one, I would prefer to sit at home and crochet and watch Star Wars over and over again. The knowledge I have right now is just the right amount to make me question everything, but not enough to give me any sense of peace. Today I am unsure if knowing is really half of this particular battle.

To know, is to know that you know nothing. That is the meaning of true knowledge. - Socrates

Not always consoling.

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About the Author:

Nina Miller
Nina Miller lives, plays and works in Phoenix, Arizona with her husband, Jose Gonzalez. She is vocal about mental health destigmatization and personally struggles with depression, anxiety and ADHD. Pregnancy and baby loss have been present in her life for as long as she can remember. Nina was her mom's 4th known pregnancy after a series of losses between her brother, Marc, and herself. In addition to those losses, her eldest brother, Michael, was born prematurely and was with them for one day. After Nina's first loss, she found herself not comfortable speaking about it but realized that she couldn’t survive the grief alone. Three losses later, she is so grateful to every woman that has shared her story, either publicly or privately, and her mother has been a great role model and comfort throughout. Her first loss was a missed miscarriage discovered at 9 weeks after they saw the heartbeat the week before. After opting for no medical intervention, her body took 11 days to miscarry. Less than a year later, she was pregnant again, and at 8 weeks it was discovered to be anembryonic. Six months after that, there was a chemical pregnancy that ended on Christmas Day. After a bit of a break from trying to conceive, she is pregnant once again and is here to talk about it. Helping to build a social script for pregnancy loss and pregnancy after loss makes all the vulnerability worth it. In addition to working as a graphic designer, Nina finds joy on stage as an improvisor, finding what is funny in the truth of being human. She lives life like it’s an improv scene, trying to say “Yes, and” to the world even when it is hard.

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