My Dear Babies Who Never Made it to Earth,
You were very tiny when you left my body. I barely knew I was pregnant, but you were there. You were there, but not long enough. I tried everything I could think of to keep you safe but it didn’t make any difference. After you were gone, I doubted my body for a long time. Please don’t think I was angry at you. I was angry at myself, but I have done a lot of healing since then, and know there was nothing I could have done differently.
I sometimes think of how different my life would be if you were here. I would have been able to avoid so much sadness and pain. Maybe I could have avoided a lot of my anxiety that I deal with. Evan would not be here- which makes me sad. Sometimes thinking about it all makes me nauseous, the different life I could be living. I look at Evan and think how my life could ever be complete without her, and that I would never want to know a world without her in it. Even thinking that sometimes makes me feel so guilty, as if by saying that it is me saying I’m glad I lost you. I could never feel that way, I hope you understand that.
Sometimes, when I am by myself and it is too quiet, I wonder about you. What would you look like? What color are your eyes? I did a ring test once and it said one of you was a boy and one was a girl. I will never know the truth, but in my head I think of you that way. You didn’t even have a name. I didn’t even know how to go about it. Although you are nameless, you never left my mind. You never will, I will carry you with me forever.
I talked to a Medium about a year ago. I heard from your Great Grandma and Great Grandpa Rock. I was overjoyed to speak with them, but I was hoping to talk to you. I don’t know what I would say in that moment, probably just tell you that I love you. I think I was more anxious to hear anything you had to say rather than say something to you. Maybe in my head I know you already know what I’m thinking and feeling, so I knew I didn’t have to tell you. I don’t know how that all works, but I’m hoping maybe next time we can talk.
I want you to know that losing you really made me focus, and figure out what it is that I believe in. You gave me a reason to find my spirituality. There was a lot of negativity and sadness surrounding your loss, but somehow I was able to find something to lean on, to help me cope with the fact that I would never hold you in my arms. It is never easy, but it has become less difficult.
I hope you know that your dad and I wanted you so badly. You were a baby we had planned on adding to our little family, and making us so happy. Your dad loves you so much, and you would have thought the world of him. Nobody would make you laugh more than him. Your big sister would have adored you, and you would have loved her too. I have mentioned you a few times to her, but she is too young right now to grasp this type of heartache. Sometimes I wonder if she sees you in her dreams, and part of me hopes she gets to know you through them.
Most of all, I want you to know that there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about you. Although you are not here, and I don’t know where you are, I hope that you are happy. I hope you are enjoying the life you have in whatever world you are in, and know you will always be a part of mine.
I will always love you,