Most of the time, I don’t have time to be scared

By |2016-10-13T17:13:08+00:00September 25th, 2015|2nd Trimester, From Dads Who Know|0 Comments


Because my wife, Kristen, is now on bed rest, my life has gotten busier. Immediately after she went on bed rest, I made some changes at work and went on semi-permanent night-shift. This suits me better because I’m a natural night owl. If I’m going to work and take care of things around the house, and take care of Kristen and Noah as best I can, I shouldn’t fight against my natural sleep cycle.

So now my days are filled and are much the same. Wake up, make breakfast, do some things around the house, go to work, come home, do some more housework, go to bed, and get up and do it all over again. This doesn’t give me much time to reflect deeply on what’s happening in our lives. Most of the time, I don’t have the time to be scared about what might happen with Noah.

This repetitive schedule is fine, and I truly don’t mind being the-one-who-does-the-things, because at some time in the future things might flip and I might be the one who needs help.

But Kristen’s experience is totally different. She has nothing but time to think about things, and to worry. She’s not normally an obsessive worrier, but under the circumstances — modified bed rest with the only real break our weekly visits with our OB, I wouldn’t blame anyone for having some pent up worry. As Kristen talks about in her own post this week, we did have a moment in the aftermath of some rough news where we snapped at each other.

And that’s okay. That’s more than okay. We’re only human. And Kristen knows that my opinion of her won’t be impacted by silly stuff.

What that moment did do for both of us is make us take some time to reflect on being scared for Noah. We are hopeful, as always, but it’s very possible and okay to be scared, too.

Most of the time, I don’t have time to be scared. I should start making time to be scared, and happy, and hopeful. Because, no matter what happens with Noah…he’s pretty awesome.

*Photo Source: Clock on East Montague by Ryan Johnson for North Charleston, Creative Commons License 2.0

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About the Author:

Darrell Paul
Darrell Paul lives in Maryland with his wife, Kristen Paul, where he works as an engineer. After struggling with infertility, Darrell and Kristen were thrilled when their first attempt at IVF succeeded in 2014 with the conception of their son, William Edward Paul. They were absolutely devastated when cervical insufficiency resulted in William's death on August 1, 2014. Since then, Darrell has struggled with the lack of resources available to grieving fathers. Darrell hopes that his perspective will help other grieving fathers. You can contact Darrell at

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