On Sunday, we officially hit the halfway point of this pregnancy! Our little rainbow, Colbie, is now as big as a banana, and I can feel more consistent movements. Despite all the worrying, fears, aches, and pains along the way, I am finally letting go a lot of negative feelings, and starting to love every moment of this pregnancy. Each little kick I feel throughout the day is a little reminder of hope to stay strong, and positive.
Although I am still trying to make the most out of each moment, and not rush this pregnancy, I often wish that September was here already. I am ready to meet Colbie, and to hold her in my arms. I’m trying to trust my body, and keep the faith that our little rainbow will be okay, but I can’t help but to worry. I lost my angel, Amelia, just eight short days after she was born due to blood loss from Vasa Previa when my water broke. While there is no known reason as to why Vasa Previa occurs, I just can’t help but to not trust my body. I feel like I cannot keep Colbie safe until she is finally in my arms.
We have about 129 days to go if I decide to go with a repeat C-section. I still have a lot of time yet to decide the best way to deliver our little rainbow, but every time I think about a VBAC, I go back to the day I was induced with our angel. While my flashbacks of what happened with Amelia have been significantly better since I started Zoloft, I am still worried for when it’s the day to bring our rainbow into this world. I’m hoping and praying that everything goes well this time, but nothing in life is ever guaranteed.
I’m not trying to sound pessimistic, I truly am hopeful for a different outcome, but a big part of my heart doesn’t want to break any more than what it did when we lost Amelia. It has helped a lot that my OB reminds me every appointment that it is my choice on what I feel will be best for delivery.
As of right now, I am leaning towards the repeat C-section for our rainbow with the hope that Colbie will be healthy and here safe. After going through the heartbreak of infertility, miscarriage, and neonatal loss, my husband and I agreed that if everything goes well with our rainbow, we do not want to go through another pregnancy again. If I do go with the repeat C-section, I am highly considering having a tubal ligation done. Not for birth control reasons, but out of fear so my body won’t fail me again, and lose another pregnancy/baby. We are open to fostering/adopting more children in the future, but after this pregnancy with our rainbow, I don’t think I’ll be strong enough to ever go through this again. (Often, I wonder how I made it this far in this pregnancy.)
Each week I am feeling stronger in this journey, but life truly hasn’t been the same since losing Amelia. Yes, we were blessed with becoming foster parents, and our little sunshine coming into our lives, and we blessed again with this pregnancy. Sometimes I wonder how different life could’ve been had Amelia lived and was with us. We most likely never would become parents to an amazing little boy who brought so much light and joy into our lives, or our rainbow may never exist. I hate the whole “everything happens for a reason” saying though. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about our little angel. I am beyond thankful for everything in life now, but since losing Amelia I’m always in constant fear of losing our sunshine or rainbow. I even noticed I’m more anxious about the thought of ever losing my husband.
Life is truly such a precious and delicate thing.
I’m trying so hard to live life to the fullest, and make the most out of each day for my daughter Amelia. I’m also trying to continue to stay positive throughout the remaining half of this pregnancy. As I stated earlier, I am loving every moment of feeling Colbie move despite all the worry. Each kick is a little reminder that this is real, and that hope can come after the storm. It is during those moments, I feel ready to go through delivery again and confident that there will be a different! I’m praying and hoping.
In about 129 days, life will change again.
I can do this.