“Whisper still, small words of trust
And cradle my baby
In the warmth of your love.
Help me to celebrate
The life growing within me.”
– Laura Kelly Fanucci
After many days and nights of worrying about this day, we have officially hit the second trimester. This is another big milestone on this long journey ahead, and we have made it! A part of me wants to scream with joy from the tallest hill, and another part of me wants to cry. Honestly, as excited as I am to have made it to this milestone, I am still scared. I am terrified of something going wrong, to go through another delivery and lose another perfectly healthy baby, everything it seems like.
Originally my husband and I were going to announce that we were expecting again on St. Patrick’s Day since the second trimester is often considered the “safe zone” of pregnancy, but I’m glad we didn’t wait. The amount of support we’ve received throughout this pregnancy so far has been so helpful, and appreciated.
The start of the second trimester has also brought more reality to this pregnancy. I am already starting feel the first signs of baby flutters, and I cried. At first I didn’t believe it, but then it happened again. There is no mistaking it! This little jelly bean in me is here, alive, and growing. The second trimester also means that start of closer monitoring. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for nothing but good news, a healthy baby, normal blood pressure, no Pre-Eclampsia returning, and no Vasa Previa again.
While this chapter now closes on my PAL journey during the first trimester, I am ready for the second trimester. Despite still being scared, I can actually say that I am starting to feel a little more excited and starting to form a bond with Baby F. I’m still hesitant about a lot of things though. I feel that I’m getting a little stronger and starting to look forward to appointments more, but I’m still doubtful on finding out the gender. I still have a few weeks to decide, but I fear that if I find out that I’m having another girl, I will worry that I am replacing Amelia or if I find out we are having a boy, I will be disappointed that I’m not having a girl. I’m still trying to decided, but my husband and I did manage to agree on both a boy and a girl name though!
To finish up this week’s blog post, I wanted to finish sharing some of my first trimester thoughts. Going through a pregnancy after loss is a very emotional and worrisome process. The first trimester after a loss feels like you’re trying to swim against a current of emotions, and you aren’t sure if you’re going to make it through, but when you do, you can finally breathe a little. While it’s an amazing feeling to feel pregnant again with a rainbow baby, there is no telling how grief from your loss will creep back in. For me, the first trimester was full of hope, doubt, fear, anxiety, joy, and determination. Often times I still find myself questioning how I am going to keep it together when it comes time to deliver Baby F, and if I am even strong enough to go through this again after what had happened with my daughter, Amelia. I know in the end, I will overcome my fears. Well, at least I will have my husband, parents, and close friends by my side to help me through it.
Three months down now, six more to go!