My midwife said this would happen. At my last visit a few weeks ago, I told her I was in the glory days of pregnancy. My energy was peak, I was exercising again, I felt awesome. I registered for a triathlon next month. My family was eating delicious, home-cooked meals every night. She just smiled and said, “you know, you might slow down here soon. Just know that’s ok to do that.” She was right.
This last week has been hard. My regular swim at the gym was hard. We have visiting kids that are draining me. My toddler began regressing in his potty training, leading to unplanned days off from school. My back HURTS. My walk is slower. I’m tired. And it’s all different this time.
I have been told before I’m really good at finding silver linings. Maybe it’s because I’ve been dealing with death from a young age, maybe it’s because my dad was an eternal optimist – I don’t know why I’ve tried my hardest to find something good about crappy situations. With my first rainbow pregnancy, as much as the fear and pain and grief was overwhelming, I found one silver lining. I got to have another entire pregnancy where it was just me and my growing baby. Many people spend their second pregnancies as I am doing now – chasing after a toddler. Waking up earlier than I’d like, forcing myself to get a balanced meal on the table (instead of asking my husband to bring home whatever takeout I’m craving), constantly bending over to pick up messes. I really did treasure both of my pregnancies, with Layla and with Diego, and the fact that I had time for self-care. That I came home from work and napped or rested with my feet up, slept 10 or 12 hours at night if I needed to. I don’t remember this slow-down happening in quite the same way.
And now, it’s here, and I think my fear is that the pain and exhaustion are taking me back to the fear I felt with Diego. When I felt great, I felt different. I felt like the old me. Now I just feel old. 3 pregnancies in 4 years. My body hurts and I’m slowing down against my will. Three months to go.