I haven’t decided whether it’s a good or bad thing that my rainbow baby is due during Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
In some ways it is very fitting—after all, a rainbow baby is a reminder that you’ve experienced loss. But then there’s the guilt again that your child will always live in the shadow of your loss. Already I try to imagine how I will handle this month in the future so Bo will never feel like it overshadows her own special celebrations.
This brings in the Parenting After Loss struggles that I’m not looking forward to. The explanations of why mom is crying in her room, or why mom is always a little sad at Christmas. Deep down I feel like Bo is going to be compassionate and understanding—she came to me when I needed her desperately. But I worry that she won’t understand.
I’m trying to not worry too much about it for now. I have no idea what will happen a year from now, and I need to just concentrate on getting my rainbow here first. But it is something I think about as I figure out what tributes I’ll do this year. While I plan to do A Memorial Walk this weekend put on by our hospital, I have noticed that I’ve been more subdued this year, and maybe that’s because I’m balancing between sadness and celebration.
I’m hoping to find ways to include her in the month, and hope to see a lots of great ideas from all the loss mamas I follow. The great thing about this month is how we all come together and really help one another through our loss journey.