Janice’s Bump Day Blog, Week 34: Taking Her Home

By |2016-10-13T17:07:25+00:00September 22nd, 2016|3rd Trimester, Bump Day Blog|1 Comment

Sometimes I hate that I feel the need to say whatever I can to ease the discomfort of others. Throughout my PAL journey I have dealt with the question, “Is this your first child?” more than I care to admit. We talk about this question a lot, and every woman chooses to answer this the way that best fits them.

I answer that this is my second child, and we lost our first. I always add that we lost our son because it cuts off the next question, which almost always is about my first child. But as I watch a look of panic come across the face of the poor, innocent stranger who only wanted to create a little polite small talk, I’ll sometimes add: “So this is the first we’re taking home.”

I do this because I feel like it relieves some of their discomfort. And while I continue to use this phrase, it finally got me thinking: I get to take this baby home.

The absolute hardest thing about losing a baby, is the feeling that you had to give him back. In that hospital bed, swollen from my complications and the hours of continuous tears, I was presented with a precious child. I had felt every minute of that labor and delivery, and I was so excited (while also devastated) to see his face. That beautiful, still face.

And for a few hours we felt as normal as we could. We held him, took pictures, and just marveled in how he really was a perfect combination of us. He had my husband’s curly hair, and my mouth. He was so gorgeous, and for a moment we almost forgot that this day would be it…this was the first, and last day we would see him.

So after a few hours, the time came to give him back to the nurse. We had to say goodbye, and watch as our little boy was taken out of the room. And that was it.

It’s finally setting in that I might have a chance to keep a baby. If Bo continues to grow and be healthy, we will get to take her with us this time—I don’t have to give her back. That is probably the most amazing feeling in the world, and something most definitely taken for granted by many parents. It’s something I focused on this week, and it’s helped me cope with any anxiety I might otherwise feel.

Only five more weeks, or less, and I have the opportunity to take a baby home with me.

Bo continues to look well at scans

Bo continues to look well at scans

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About the Author:

Janice Leister
Janice Leister is the Instagram Manager for Pregnancy After Loss Support, as well as a contributor to the Bump Day Blog. She lives in South Carolina with her husband and Golden Retriever, Dug. Janice experienced the loss of her first child, a little boy named Jack, in 2015. After 32 weeks of a perfectly healthy pregnancy, her blood pressure spiked, which caused a placental abruption. Unfortunately because it happened so quickly and without any noticeable symptoms, her son passed away; she delivered a beautiful child, stillborn, on March 18th. Struggling to deal with the loss, she reached out to local support groups and women with similar experiences via social media. Eleven months after their loss, she and her husband were ecstatic to learn that they were pregnant again. She is currently pregnant with their rainbow, “Bo,” and is due in October 2016. Her subsequent pregnancy led her to PALS, where she has actively been trying to help other women by sharing her own experiences of pregnancy following a loss. You can contact her on her personal Instagram account, or at her blog, The Reluctant Aviator.

One Comment

  1. Jasmin September 23, 2016 at 4:52 am - Reply

    I so totally understand every word you are saying and I’m very happy for you being in week 34 🙂
    I’m now in week 33 with our second daughter. Our first daughter died two years ago after a c-section in week 33 on her second day. Actually the little girl inside of me is now older than her older sister…
    Being pregnant again healed me in so many ways, I’m very glad we did it again.

    I wish you a wonderful time and that everything keeps going well. I really really hope we can take our babies home this time!

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