It’s Sunday and I have an OB appointment on Thursday. The last few days I’ve been trying not to think about the upcoming appointment. Trying to find a way to distract myself from what’s coming up. Everything is fine right now. That’s all I need to focus on. In this moment, everything is okay.
But, it’s Sunday and I’m preparing for the upcoming week, and I see that appointment on the calendar. I’m excited to be able to hear the baby again. I’m anxious to get reassurance that everything is fine. I need to know that this is still happening. I’m still pregnant. The baby is still growing. This is for real.
But, I’m also trying to keep the fear at bay.
I’m trying not to think about how this next appointment could be the one where they tell me the baby has no heartbeat. That the baby isn’t growing properly. That the baby has a serious defect that will affect her life or end it. Or that there is something else I’ve never even heard of much less considered that will make me fear that this baby will die too.
I think maybe I should just run to the OB’s office for a quick heartbeat check. Just to make sure the appointment on Thursday should still happen. That there’s still a reason to go.
Maybe I should buy a Doppler for at home use. I haven’t gotten one because I fear it will cause more anxiety, but maybe I should get one just for moments like these. I wonder how quickly Amazon could get it to me.
I try not to Google loss at this particular gestational age. I don’t want to hear more loss stories. It would just make me more paranoid. I’m very aware, however, that sometimes lightning does strike twice. Sometimes rainbows don’t make it either. How will I survive another loss?
I’m finding it hard to sleep this week. I keep waking up worried something is wrong.
I just want reassurance. I need everything to be okay. I can’t lose another one.
The morning of the appointment is here. I’ve mentally prepared myself for whatever happens today. I’ve already had the worst thing ever happen to me – I buried a baby once already; I know the drill. It will also feel so good to hear the baby’s heartbeat or see the baby on the ultrasound screen. I can’t wait to hear that heartbeat. I can’t wait to see a wiggly baby in my womb. It’s all going to be okay no matter what.
I take a deep breath as they put the wand on my belly. The time it takes to find the heartbeat seems to take forever. We hear it. The baby’s alive. The appointment progresses and everything is fine. Sigh of relief. For now.
I go to my car and cry.
I’m so relieved that everything is fine. But, I’m also crying to release the stress and anxiety from this past week. It’s okay. In this moment, everything is okay. I can’t let myself get so worked up again. Let’s try getting excited about a baby!
I have another appointment in a month. For now I feel fine. I’m excited. I want to buy the baby something. I want to tell everyone how wonderful it is that I’m pregnant. But, I know in a couple of weeks I’ll go through this all over again. The stress and anxiety will start to build. The fear will be in the background taunting my hope. The appointment will give way to great relief. And I’ll remind myself once again that everything is going to be okay.