I am Allowed

By |2016-10-13T17:12:05+00:00November 5th, 2015|Emotional Health, Parenting After Loss|1 Comment


What are you capable of?

This answer probably varies depending on the day, the time, or how much sleep (and coffee) you’ve had.

Are these capabilities defined by you, or are they defined by others?

I’m aware of the pressure I put on myself, but most of the time I ignore it. Lately, I’ve been questioning whether or not it has to do with being a bereaved parent. Do I hold myself to a higher standard because I’ve had a loss? Am I trying to overcompensate because of the tiny bit of guilt and responsibility for my son’s death that I’m still wrestling with?

I’ve got a lot of pride (probably most of it is stubborn), but at least I can admit it (sometimes). This week I swallowed some of it and realized that I don’t have to be capable of doing everything. I can be capable of doing what I can, right now. That can change, depending on the day, the time, or how much sleep (and coffee) I’ve had.

My capabilities, my abilities, my self-worth, my contributions to others, and my value as a mother are enough today.

Grief sets many of us back. It freezes us still and doesn’t allow us to move, sometimes for months or years. Once the concrete around my feet softened, I was off and running. Was it too fast?

My capabilities are something that will always be an asset and my weakness. As I move through the stages of grief, what I can do for others and for myself always change. My acceptance of this fact is a hard concept to grasp for an overachiever like myself.

Breathe, slow down. You are enough. You have permission to feel overwhelmed or sad and I will help you. These are texts I regularly get from my best friends when I feel like I am sinking. They reinforce me and remind me that I am capable. Just maybe not today, and that’s just fine.

I’m allowed. You are, too.

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About the Author:

Anne Mathay
Anne Mathay is the former Development Director for Pregnancy After Loss Support. She has struggled with infertility for the last five years, along with a miscarriage in 2010 and the stillbirth of her son Henry in 2012. In April 2014, Anne and her husband welcomed their rainbow baby. Since her losses, Anne has become active with many organizations that promote healthy pregnancy, loss and awareness, and children's health. She has found her voice through Knocked Up And Down, a blog that chronicles her struggles, triumphs, and hope surrounding pregnancy and parenting. Anne lives in Delaware with her husband, daughter, and dog. You can also follow her on Twitter.

One Comment

  1. Aniqueca November 19, 2015 at 9:37 pm - Reply

    Anne, this is great! I like you, am the overachiever, the problem-solver, that ‘go to’ person most times held prisoner by my own high, sometimes unattainable standards. But grief has no boundaries, it touches everyone. Acceptance in your weaknesses is the first step towards regaining your strength. You’re doing awesome!

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