When I found out my first rainbow baby’s gender was a boy I was so mad. I felt completely unlucky and unloved. How could I have yet another boy when I lost my precious baby girl? How could I not have another girl? How dare life hand me yet another bad hand. I was devastated and heartbroken. I felt as though I had suffered yet another loss.
Yes, that’s how it felt. I know that it sounds hard to even understand it, but only if you’ve been there will you truly understand the heartbreak. I mourned losing Leilani all over again. I was never mad at God because He held me up all this time, but the nerve of Him to not give me another girl! I then told Him how I have always wanted girls and He let me lose the only one I had gotten!
I literally dug myself into a pit by rethinking this over and over. I felt betrayed. I felt embarrassed…that I would have to tell people that I was having yet another boy. I feared the stares the awkward “Oh, another boy” comments.
I prayed that they made a mistake.
I hoped that at every doctors appointment that they would tell me it was wrong and they were sorry but that it really was a girl.
Then, one day I was just sitting around feeling my human kicking, and I felt an overwhelming joy come over me! A joy of gratitude. Not that I was being very grateful at the moment, but I felt joy for my growing boy! My baby my beautiful baby that Argenis and I wanted so badly. At that moment, I begged God to forgive me and told Him to not punish me for being angry or upset that I was having a boy. I just wanted my baby to be alive! At that point I didn’t care if he was healthy or not, I just wanted him to come home alive.
As unreal as this sounds, I had those words put in my heart and those words were, “I am not mad. You are upset you lost your baby, and I am sad with you. Although, you may not understand, but I am giving you what you need not what you want.”
I still dream of having another girl one day, but if I don’t then that is okay too. Because, I know that I am blessed even if my heart is not completely healed. I will always think of those beautiful words that came when I needed them the most.
Don’t give up the hope that one day you’ll get your human.
Hope is what keeps us going when we don’t know how else to go on. You aren’t alone in feeling this way. You aren’t mean or selfish for feeling this way. You are human!
The biggest take away from carrying rainbows is that you love them so much. And, if I can give you a suggestion, don’t even find out the gender. Once you hear that baby cry, that is all that will matter. What I have learned is that it really doesn’t matter who comes. It’s your baby. You just want them to be alive and breathing!