It’s been a little over six months since I lost my daughter, Jasmine, when I was 32 weeks along. I wanted to get pregnant immediately after my loss. My body reacted just the way it was supposed to, as if I had a newborn baby to take care of and it made that longing that much more powerful. It’s frustrating that I find myself here and am still not pregnant. I had a hard time getting pregnant with both my son and daughter, so I didn’t expect it to happen quickly. But part of me still hoped that some miracle would happen and I would get pregnant right away.
One of the most frustrating things is that it is so hard to not compare yourselves to other people trying to get pregnant. I have found myself getting jealous of those that get pregnant quickly. Especially those that are pregnant with girls, since that is what I lost. I even find I sometimes get jealous of families that have two or more kids because that is what I am supposed to have. There are reminders everywhere of what I could have had and what I am currently trying to achieve.
So here I am, six months later and still trying to get pregnant.
In the big scheme of things, that isn’t a long time. Most doctors recommend waiting anywhere from 3-12 months to try again based on the circumstances of the birth, so I am technically still in that window. I know some women who go from a loss don’t feel ready right away. When I first asked my doctor when I could try again, he told me six months. I asked him why I had to wait so long when I had an uncomplicated birth and he agreed that really three months would be okay. Six months seemed like an eternity! And if I hadn’t started trying earlier, I feel like it would have just delayed my wait even longer.
“If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.”
Jasmine was going to be our last child. I was happy to finally get pregnant with her, it took about two years, and was thankful I would not have to go through the stressful process of trying to get pregnant again. When we lost her and decided we wanted another baby, I had to start that process again when I was not expecting to have to go through it again. I have tried, and have been mostly successful, to not be so stressed about it this time. I have had several people tell me that I have changed since my loss and become a lot less impatient and stressed about things. But even I have my limits!
Since this next rainbow baby will be our last baby, I have been struggling with whether the baby will be a boy or a girl.
A silly thing I know. I still do not care either way because I would be quite happy with either. But either way I know it is going to come with some weird feelings. If we have another boy, I will always feel that longing for a daughter since I never got to experience her growing up. If we have another girl, it will be a bit bittersweet. We kept a lot of the stuff from my baby shower and if we do have a girl, I intend to use it with that baby. I never want the baby to feel like a replacement, because no one will ever replace Jasmine.
When we lost Jasmine, one of my friends sent me a block for the garden that said “If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.” I planted a Jasmine plant and placed the marker with the plant. This has become my favorite quote and something I keep with me. I know that because we loved her so much, her memory will live on as we work to grow our family.