The Dreaded Six Month Mark

By |2018-09-25T21:52:53+00:00September 25th, 2018|TTC|2 Comments

It’s been a little over six months since I lost my daughter, Jasmine, when I was 32 weeks along. I wanted to get pregnant immediately after my loss. My body reacted just the way it was supposed to, as if I had a newborn baby to take care of and it made that longing that much more powerful. It’s frustrating that I find myself here and am still not pregnant. I had a hard time getting pregnant with both my son and daughter, so I didn’t expect it to happen quickly. But part of me still hoped that some miracle would happen and I would get pregnant right away.

One of the most frustrating things is that it is so hard to not compare yourselves to other people trying to get pregnant. I have found myself getting jealous of those that get pregnant quickly. Especially those that are pregnant with girls, since that is what I lost. I even find I sometimes get jealous of families that have two or more kids because that is what I am supposed to have. There are reminders everywhere of what I could have had and what I am currently trying to achieve.

So here I am, six months later and still trying to get pregnant.

In the big scheme of things, that isn’t a long time. Most doctors recommend waiting anywhere from 3-12 months to try again based on the circumstances of the birth, so I am technically still in that window. I know some women who go from a loss don’t feel ready right away. When I first asked my doctor when I could try again, he told me six months. I asked him why I had to wait so long when I had an uncomplicated birth and he agreed that really three months would be okay. Six months seemed like an eternity! And if I hadn’t started trying earlier, I feel like it would have just delayed my wait even longer.

“If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.”

Jasmine was going to be our last child. I was happy to finally get pregnant with her, it took about two years, and was thankful I would not have to go through the stressful process of trying to get pregnant again. When we lost her and decided we wanted another baby, I had to start that process again when I was not expecting to have to go through it again. I have tried, and have been mostly successful, to not be so stressed about it this time. I have had several people tell me that I have changed since my loss and become a lot less impatient and stressed about things. But even I have my limits!

Since this next rainbow baby will be our last baby, I have been struggling with whether the baby will be a boy or a girl.

A silly thing I know. I still do not care either way because I would be quite happy with either. But either way I know it is going to come with some weird feelings. If we have another boy, I will always feel that longing for a daughter since I never got to experience her growing up. If we have another girl, it will be a bit bittersweet. We kept a lot of the stuff from my baby shower and if we do have a girl, I intend to use it with that baby. I never want the baby to feel like a replacement, because no one will ever replace Jasmine.

When we lost Jasmine, one of my friends sent me a block for the garden that said “If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.” I planted a Jasmine plant and placed the marker with the plant. This has become my favorite quote and something I keep with me. I know that because we loved her so much, her memory will live on as we work to grow our family.

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About the Author:

Sarah Cox
Sarah Pruitt Cox lives in the Dallas, Texas area. She works full time as an accountant and tax preparer. She is the mother of a 4 year old son and three babies in Heaven. Sarah had trouble getting pregnant, but gave birth to a healthy baby boy named Nolan in 2014. Afterwards, getting pregnant was still a struggle. She had a chemical pregnancy in 2016, followed by a miscarriage in early 2017. Sarah became pregnant with her daughter, Jasmine Grace, in August of 2017. This was a rough pregnancy, and at the 13 week ultrasound they discovered that Jasmine had CDH (congenital diaphragmatic hernia). After an amnio was done a few months later, they discovered she also had mosaic trisomy 15.  Sarah and her husband had made plans to see a specialist in Florida, but the issues were too much for Jasmine and her heart stopped beating around 32 weeks. Sarah then had to deliver her, where she was born stillborn. She now wants to help other women who have experienced a life-changing loss like this and ensure that no one ever feels alone when going through this. Sarah has been writing about her loss through her blog Life is Stupidly Unfair: A Mom's Journey of Survival.

2 Comments

  1. Anna September 27, 2018 at 7:57 am - Reply

    Hi Sarah, thank you for sharing! I also lost my daughter Linna to a CHD in 2016. She passed away 12 hours after being born. I totally feel with you when you say six months of not being pregnant after loss feels like an eternity. You just long for a baby to hold with every inch of your body. I had to deliver my daughter via c-section to give her any chance to live at all and therefore had to wait six months to try again after. It was a nightmare and looking back the wait destroyed me even more. We were able to welcome our rainbow boy in June 2017 and I also struggled with him being a boy as I always wished for a girl. Of course we were grateful for another child and love him just as much, but I do get the confusion and mixed feelings about the gender, too. Wishing you strength for everything ahead!
    Anna

    • Sarah Cox September 27, 2018 at 8:44 pm - Reply

      Anna, thank you for your response. I am so sorry for you loss. Congrats on your rainbow baby! I hope that we get ours soon. I am glad to see that someone else understands what I am feeling!

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