The most devastatingly beautiful game of hide and seek ever played

By |2017-01-03T17:02:22+00:00January 4th, 2017|Parenting After Loss, Pregnancy, TTC|1 Comment

Don’t cry mommy. Look at me. you can trust me. Close your eyes and count to ten. Count slow.

“One”

Mommy losing me will feel impossible to cope with. So, I ask that you think of it differently. Spiritual eyes mommy, spiritual eyes.

“Two”

When you open your eyes you will no longer see me. I’ll go back to being inside you, but instead of being in your tummy, now I’ll live in your heart.

“Three”

I have a surprise for you mommy. I know you are grieving me. But I also know that wrapped in my purpose is another. Another one will come after me.

“But Joislen”

Mommy, just count

“Four”

He’s not me. But he is of the same stuff I’m made of. I’m picking him with Jesus. I asked, and He said I could help. He’s not coming right away but just know that he is. He will bring hope to your heart. He will be strong. Strong like daddy.

“Joisey what do u mean? Where are you going?”

“Five”

I’m sending you my little brother.

“I can’t hear anything you’re saying Joislen. You’re drifting so far. My pain is too loud. I just want my perfect baby. You can’t leave me Joislen. I don’t want to count anymore.”

“Six”

I’m sending you a perfect baby. He will be born into the world but he will never be of it. He’s of the same stuff I’m made of. A little of mommy. A bunch of daddy. And a whole lot of God.

“Joislen, I named you joy and rightfully so. How can I feel a morsel of peace in this moment? Being near to you is the best feeling. I wish it never had to end.”

“Seven”

The grief will get dark mommy. The days will be long.

“Eight”

You’ll feel like giving up. You’ll think all hope is gone.

“Nine”

One evening in January, a stick will clue you in to what I’m telling you now. He’ll be here in a flash.

“Ten”

Divine, determined, destiny. Mommy, I’m sending you D3. And when you love him, don’t forget to remember me.

A tribute to my angel Joislen Grace Taylor and her baby brother, our rainbow, Dwayne Lamar Taylor III. Mommy loves you two. Powerful duo, you guys are. I’m so proud of you both.

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About the Author:

Trish-Ann Taylor
Trish Taylor, a native Floridian, lives in San Diego, CA with her husband and son. She is a woman of faith and teaches teenagers at her church. She’s a dedicated mother to her children. Her step-daughter Makenzie was born May 19, 2009. Her first biological daughter wound up living her full mortal life in her mother's womb; Joislen Grace Taylor was born into eternity on August 16, 2015 after a 40-week healthy pregnancy for unexplained reasons. Trish's rainbow baby, Dwayne III, aka "D3”, was born September 19, 2016. She is a veteran and is passionate about advocating for women's health. She is pursuing her career as a labor and delivery nurse with doula bereavement training. Trish works alongside local hospitals in San Diego to bring about necessary change to better accommodate grieving families. She writes moving pieces inspired by her faith and her endless love for her daughter on her blog Our Journey with Joisey.

One Comment

  1. sarah July 25, 2018 at 8:29 pm - Reply

    This is just so beautiful! I lost my Grace in Feb this year and reading that just made me tear up so much. x

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