The definition of warrior by dictionary standards means: a person who shows or has shown great vigor or courage. I can’t think of a more precise word to describe you. You have trudged through the battle field of loss with great courage, coming out on top and doing it all over. When others were down and out, you found the strength to continue on. You let out your battle cry for all to hear and roared into victory delivering a healthy (or soon to be delivering) rainbow baby. A precious child you fought hard for.
I too am a warrior. My first son, Ty, was stillborn at 37 weeks due to undiagnosed IUGR which led to a cord accident. I battled through the emotions of losing him. I crumbled to my knees and fell apart, losing him devastated me. But I found the vigor to continue on. We were blessed to become pregnant with our first rainbow 12 weeks after we buried Ty. 18 weeks into my second pregnancy we found out our son, Jacob, had a fatal diagnosis. My husband and I made the choice to fight on for him and for us. We carried Jacob until 37 weeks before we decided to wave the white flag. He lived 2 ½ days before he joined his big brother in Heaven.
As many of my comrades told us to give up, we chose to continue the fight. We were after all warriors with courage and strength. We would not let anyone decide our fate but us. 10 months after we buried Jacob we made the crazy decision to try just once more. We became pregnant again with fear and terror. We lined up on the battlefield of a rainbow pregnancy and trudged our way through, week by week. Every inch of pain, every symptom, every feeling of just being off sent us into panic. Every inch of my being wanted to wave the white flag again, how could I have wanted to try again? But we persevered and in January of 2013 our miracle baby was born.
You too will fight through. You too will realize that in the end, the reward outweighs the risks. You too will get your rainbow baby, you just have to learn how to trudge through. I never thought after the death of my first son that I could make it through losing another baby, but we did. Just like we did the first time, we did it again because we had too. You too will do it again because in your heart there is a new spot growing, one that your baby will take part of.
The thing is, I know you are scared, I know you are terrified, I know you are fearful. You are afraid to lose another baby. You are trying to protect your heart. I know you are anxious, I know you feel like the days are dragging by, I know because I too have been there. I’ve walked this journey, I’ve lived this life but you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t believe in yourself. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t believe in miracles. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t believe it was worth it.
You can do this. You are beautiful, you are loved, you are thought about, and you are supported. Embrace your belly, hold it close, sing to your baby, and tell your baby your hopes and dreams for them. Cherish the moments and believe in yourself, believe in your ability to bring your sweet, healthy, living baby into this world. Paint your face with your warrior colours and stand on the front line of your rainbow pregnancy, fiercely fighting until the end and I can promise you that when you look into your baby’s eyes for the first time you will know. You will know this fight you were so afraid to fight, was absolutely worth it.