Dear Mama, Who is Terrified of Having to Say Goodbye Again

By | 2017-02-14T07:50:16+00:00 February 14th, 2017|Love Letters, PAL Fourth Annual Love Letters|1 Comment

Dear Mama,

Are you scared?

Are you scared everyday in this pregnancy that you will have to say goodbye again?

Say goodbye to your child, again? 

Are you scared of not ever knowing how this will turn out? Of not knowing what the future holds? Of hearing those words, the silence, of breaking the news?

Is that fear suffocating you? Are you managing to fool everyone that you aren’t consumed, crippled by that fear? Is it making it hard to breathe, to look forward, to relax into the moment, to bond and love your baby?

Just know this. You are not alone. 

You are not alone. We are here. With you. This path of fear has been walked before, and is being walked with you, every day. 

Please know this – fear does not have to win. Fear alone won’t save your child. Nor will it hurt your child. It has no power over you. Fear comes in, uninvited. It does not have to stay. 

To fight fear, is to embrace hope.

To fight fear, is to be enveloped in the light.

To fight fear, is to fall in love.

Dare to dream. Dare to fully fall in love with your child. Your baby. Your baby who is growing, moving and living everyday. Growing, moving and living everyday, because of you. Hold on to that thought today. Fall in love, in spite of that fear.

Embrace it. Embrace this time. Embrace the fear, and decide who is going to win.

I know how suffocating that fear is. How suffocating it can feel, when you are already struggling to breathe through the grief and the pain of already saying goodbye. 

Sit with me for a while. Close your eyes, and just breathe. 

Breathe in love, and breathe out fear. 

Breathe in hope, and breathe out pain. 

Breathe in and breathe out.

Ask yourself, what if I enjoyed this pregnancy to its fullest potential? 

What if I silenced the thoughts? The fear that I might have to say goodbye?

What if I let myself fall in to a sea of love, and hope, and joy, and drown in the fleeting moment that this, this might all be okay? 

Just lie here with me for a moment, and let’s pretend together that fear isn’t a part of this pregnancy. 

You are not alone. 

You are the strongest of warriors. 

You are a survivor. 

You are a wonderful mother.

You love, firecly, with every cell of your body. 

You are not alone. 

Love, a mother also terrified of having to say goodbye again, pregnant after stillbirth. 

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About the Author:

Jessica Clasby-Monk
Jessica Clasby-Monk and her wife, Natalie, went through fertility treatment shortly after getting married in 2011, and on their second IVF Jessica fell pregnant with their son. After a straightforward pregnancy, in January 2016, they discovered that Leo had unexpectedly died, and he was born a few days later. In July that year, Jessica was pregnant again but sadly miscarried at 6 weeks. Now into her third pregnancy, they are quietly hopeful for a different outcome. Since Leo was born, Jessica has openly shared their journey on her blog "The Legacy of Leo". You can follow Jessica on her blog, Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

One Comment

  1. Heidi January 9, 2018 at 9:54 pm - Reply

    I’m so glad I came across this post. It’s exactly what I needed to read today.

    Currently I’m almost 11weeks pregnant, after suffering two miscarriages within the year before this baby was conceived (@10 wks and 5 wks).

    Luckily my baby has been growing healthy and on schedule. However, next week I’m having the prenatal panorama test done, and it’s making me feel emotional and overwhelmed with worry. I’ve been trying to stay positive and take this pregnancy one day at a time-but you can’t always be prepared for when the the grief and fear are going to hit.

    Thank you for writing this comforting letter. It’s nice to remember that I’m not alone. 🙂

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