It never happens, until it does. It happened to me, it can happen to you. It happened to three of my cousins, two of my friends, and so many more that I meet as time goes on. It happens to 1 in 4. Pregnancy loss is more prevalent than you think, and I feel like now that more people are opening up about it, we hear about it all the time.
Pregnancy is such an exciting time. Everyone is so happy to hear a pregnancy announcement, and I used to be one of them.
Then I had my miscarriages, and pregnancy just started having this black cloud over it. Don’t get me wrong, I get so happy for people when they announce that they are expecting, but my heart is also dropping at the same time.
When we were trying to get pregnant over and over again, I hated when people told me they were pregnant. It’s not that I didn’t want them to have a baby or I wasn’t happy for them, in all honesty it was jealousy. I wanted to be them, to be growing a baby inside me. When it finally did happen for us, I was too nervous and just waiting for something negative to happen to enjoy it. I couldn’t bear to lose another baby. I was able to bond with Evan during my pregnancy, but not like I wished. That black cloud cast a huge shadow.
Evan came into this world finally, and we celebrate our Sunshine and Rainbow all the time.
And though we are not going through the painful time of trying to conceive after loss, I still get a sinking feeling when someone I know announces their pregnancy. I am excited to hear our friends and family tell us they are about to welcome a new baby, because it truly is so magical. There are very few things that amaze me more than childbirth. But knowing how I felt when I had our miscarriages, and knowing how often it does happen, I feel so guarded in my excitement of pregnancy news. I would not wish the pain of losing a pregnancy or child on anyone, and I hate the thought of another person going through it.
We have recently had a few friends have babies, and we knew early on of their pregnancies. Of course I was so excited for them to become parents, but at the same time I grew this fear and anxiety. It was so weird that I felt so strongly these feelings of doom, but I was dreading the day I would get a call or text saying that they lost the baby. Every time I saw a text, I braced myself to feel heartbreak for our dear friends as they went through some of the worst times of their lives. It did not happen to them, and I was so relieved on the days that they were able to tell me that their babies were safely earthside.
When you let me know the news of your pregnancy, know that I am beyond excited for you.
However, I am also fearing the worst for you, and hopefully you never know that. I will never tell you, until you read this, that I am sending out all the positive vibes I possibly can so that you never experience the pain of losing your baby. I don’t want to be left out of your news and your updates, but I am sitting here stressing for you. I love you and I’m thrilled, but I am cringing inside when you tell me you are pregnant.