A few weeks ago, we celebrated our son Patrick’s fourth birthday (Patrick was born still on April 2, 2014). We were feeling confident in our birthday traditions and grief journey, so we didn’t plan for the world to stop this year for his birthday. Through his past three birthdays, we’d learned that the days leading [...]
Life has been pretty hectic since my last PALS post. In the last month, we’ve: Been assessed by a pediatric audiologist - All of the testing he was able to complete was normal, but we have to return later this year to attempt to finish the testing. Noah’s intolerance to anything on his head/in his [...]
One thing I have noticed since losing my son, Zachary, is how I appreciate milestones more deeply. I love celebrating the birthdays of my two rainbow babies and my daughter, who was one-year-old when Zach passed away. So too am I grateful to wish my “book baby” a very happy birthday. One year ago today, [...]
My two girls, one before and one after losing my third daughter, Lucy, are getting closer each day. They’re just about inseparable. And each time I see them splashing each other in the bathtub, pulling each other’s hair or “reading” books to one another, I think there should be another. There should be an almost [...]
Wake up to a crying toddler. Hit my husband to send him to comfort the toddler. Check the heartbeat monitor on the baby. Scoot closer to the baby's crib to see nothing randomly fell in. Go back to sleep for a few minutes. Wake up again to nurse the baby. Think about how much this [...]
Memories. After a person dies, that’s all you have left. But what sort of memories do you have after your baby died during pregnancy? After Lily died, I spent a good portion of my time affirming her existence in the world. In my world. I created a folder in my email to save all correspondence [...]
Each week the alarms sound: Monday evening at 5:43; Wednesday evening at 6:17; and Thursday morning at 9:08. Three different songs begin, and remind me to pause, breathe, and look around. Three moments in time that, no matter what else is happening, remind me how grateful I am to have three beautiful, healthy boys at [...]
“Mommy….If Nate and Sam were still alive, you wouldn’t have had me, would you?” A heartbreaking question from my little boy. Realistically, would I have had my rainbows if my sons had survived? Probably not. Maybe one of them, but definitely not both of them. I mean, you’d think the experience of having twin, toddler [...]
There is a lot about the death and birth of my daughter Naomi that is a blur. I was so sick, and on so many medications, that my memories are not clear, but one stands out above many others - a nurse coming into my hospital room and asking us for her name. The hospital [...]
On January 23rd, 2018, my son entered this world, alive and healthy. Alex Claude Mathay was my fourth (and now final) pregnancy. After a miscarriage in 2010 and a stillbirth in 2012, Elise was born in 2014. For almost four years, she has been the celebrated rainbow baby. She’s the first living grandchild on both [...]
