A Letter to Myself, the Day Before Loss and Rainbows

Dear Tracy, It’s me, yourself, five years from now. Strange, right? I’m writing to you because I know something that you need to know. Knowing shortly before it happens will not lessen your pain, but my goal is to help, because I know that you like to have ALL of the information on any given [...]

It’s Only A Moment

I volunteer as a facilitator for a pregnancy and infant loss support group. Although hearing the stories and witnessing the raw grief is very heavy, I'd be lying if I said I didn't get something out of it too. I get to talk about my son who died, Oberon. I know how important it is [...]

By |2019-03-19T18:34:45-04:00March 19th, 2019|Emotional Health, Parenting After Loss|0 Comments

The Mental Load of a Loss Mom

The mental load of normal mothering is hard enough. But when you add in loss or infertility, the load seems endless. "Next year, he's going to plan at least one of the parties from start to finish ..." I found myself ruminating as I frantically pulled together the last minute items before guests began arriving. [...]

The Tiny Outfit that Holds Hope

I bought a baby outfit. Newborn size, covered in small rainbow hearts, tiny little footies, and a zipper up the middle. What may be a simple, and even joyous, act for some was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I stare at the outfit in awe that one tiny piece of clothing [...]

By |2019-03-07T12:34:32-04:00March 7th, 2019|Emotional Health, Pregnancy|0 Comments

Hand-Me-Downs from Heaven: The Clothes My Baby Never Got to Wear

When I was pregnant with my first child, I quietly announced my pregnancy to my family, friends and co-workers. I also told my Kindergarten students and their parents. They were so sweet; baby gifts started trickling into the classroom with my students. The mother of one of my students gave me swaddle blankets, telling me [...]

The Emotional Experience Surrounding Genetic Testing in Pregnancy After Loss After 40

I’ve been “advanced maternal age” for all of my pregnancies except the first one. Then I was 33, but I lost my daughter just shy of my 34th birthday. My subsequent pregnancies were then at 35, 37, and 39.  I’m currently expecting again at 42. Once you hit your forties, genetic testing isn’t just recommended, [...]

By |2019-01-10T10:50:40-04:00January 10th, 2019|Emotional Health, Pregnancy|0 Comments

My Rainbow Baby Survived My Womb, But Sometimes I Still Get Scared

Unborn babies are generally categorized as the most vulnerable of human beings, and for good reason. They are, after all, the smallest humans who are in the very beginning stages of development, therefore making them more susceptible to harm. Photo by Zach Lucero on Unsplash But mothers who have experienced loss in any [...]

By |2018-12-31T16:59:32-04:00December 31st, 2018|Emotional Health, Parenting After Loss, Uncategorized|2 Comments

The Case for Seeing a Therapist During Pregnancy after Loss

I was talking to a friend recently about my current pregnancy. It’s my fifth pregnancy, but my fourth after loss. I had just passed the gestational age at which I lost my daughter, Lily, and I was telling my friend how hard it was again to make it through that time. It seemed silly to [...]

By |2018-12-12T20:28:26-04:00December 12th, 2018|Emotional Health, Pregnancy|0 Comments

The Other PAL: Patience. Assistance. Love (and Learning).

What comes up when you think about pregnancy after loss (PAL)? For many of us, it is fear, anxiety, worry, and wonder, all wrapped up in excitement, hope and yearning. But does it have to focus on the negative and scary? OK, bear with me now. I know you're thinking, easy for you to say, [...]

Clinging to Hope at Christmastime

My first Christmas after loss was a difficult one, full of conflicting feelings. I felt immense sorrow for the baby who was gone and immense fear for the baby who had since been conceived. I remember gathering with family that year, the hustle and bustle of a house overflowing with people just background noise to [...]