I held you in my belly.
I spoke to you and told you my stories.
Well, you’ve gone away now
But I miss you still somehow
You’re not here with me, but my heart still can dream
So here’s my lifelong wish
My Mama’s Christmas List
Just for myself, and for your family:
No more lives torn apart,
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
Every one would have a friend
That right would always win
And love would never end
This is your mama’s Christmas list.
As mothers we believe
The grandest sight to see
Would be your perfect little *live body
Well heaven surly knows
That nothing really shows
The missing ones we hold inside our souls.*
Christmas season, although known to be “the most wonderful time of the year,” can be especially difficult for the parents of angel babies.
With the holiday season comes an understandable focus on children. I mean, who else takes in so much delight in the simple things of the season? Lights, songs, stories and gifts. All of this is an entertainment recipe for the little ones. Which is why this time of year can be so especially hard for the parents missing, or waiting for, children.
For those couples who are trying to conceive during this time of the year there are also some sad and sore spots of the festivities.
The longing for a baby that can live within the potential parents may be especially keen during a time that they wish for a baby to be able to enjoy the season with.
I myself am in the special category of both the above parents.
I’m a bereaved mother of my would-be 15-month-old sons, and potential mother of the rainbow we’ve been wishing for since. Coming into the month of December, having just started a new cycle, my brain did what many TTC mom’s brains does- imagined what the timing could be like if this month were the one. The greatest Christmas present I could receive this year would be two pink lines. So you can imagine my disappointment when I looked down at yet another negative. No baby for me this Christmas.
All I want for Christmas is one of my silly little eggs to be successfully fertilized and embed in my uterine lining… Is that too much to wish for?
A chance to grow a rainbow, and see them born *living* into this world.
A chance to plan my Christmas card and Santa visits and silly photo shoots around a drooling, screaming, pooping munchkin of love.
A chance to worry my own head off stressing over every potential sadness or injury my baby could fall to.
A chance to feel a little closer to my sons, to see their features in a sibling, to kiss hug and hold one who has been with them more recently than I.
Christmas time is the most difficult time in many ways, but it is also the most wonderful.
Christmas time is a time that it is completely “kosher” sing about, depict and converse about angels without a stranger so much as batting an eye.
It is a time when I am able to surround myself in my nieces and nephews and bask at the sheer miracle each one of them is.
And most especially it is a time when I can feel my own angels surrounding me more than ever.
Merry Christmas, Angel Moms, and be gentle with yourselves this season.
*Inspired by Amy Grant’s “Grown Up Christmas List”