5 Things that make others uncomfortable about your pregnancy after loss and why it doesn’t matter

By |2017-08-23T07:20:57+00:00April 28th, 2016|1st Trimester, 2nd Trimester, 3rd Trimester, Pregnancy|0 Comments

5 Things Uncomfortable PAL

1. Talking about your previous pregnancy

Loss makes people uncomfortable, so it sort of makes sense that people become uncomfortable listening to us talk about our pregnancies that didn’t go as planned. Here is what I say. Talk about them anyway. Your pregnancy with your baby who died was still a beautiful experience where you got to spend time, be it short, with your child. Talk about that time proudly. It doesn’t matter if it makes others uncomfortable because a lot of things make other people uncomfortable, and really, that’s not your problem right now.

2. Talking about this pregnancy without the innocent excitement

It’s okay to not be excited in the way you used to be. Your idea of pregnancy has been forever changed. If loved ones and friends make note of your lack of excitement, let them know that’s just where you are and they need to become comfortable with your discomfort.

3. Not talking about this pregnancy

When we are pregnant again after a loss, it can become overwhelming.We don’t really ever get to escape our anxiety because we can’t escape our bodies. Sometimes we just don’t want to talk about this pregnancy with others, and that’s okay.

4. Talking about your baby who died

Sometimes when people find out we are pregnant again, they feel relief. They’re relieved even if you’re not because they think that now everything is ‘fixed’ and will be okay., The truth is there is no fixing the fact that your previous child died. These same people might find it uncomfortable that you talk about your deceased child more than the one you are expecting, and guess what, that’s okay. In order to make room for this baby, we need to create space in the family for our child who has died. One way of doing that is by mentioning their names, remembering them, and keeping them alive in our hearts.

5. Not buying things or planning for this baby

Planning ahead during a subsequent pregnancy can be difficult as it’s hard to believe you might actually bring a baby home. It’s okay if you don’t want to purchase things until baby is here or accept gifts from family and friends. If it bothers others, just remember they just don’t get it. If they want to give baby and you a gift, they can wait until after baby arrives.

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About the Author:

Lindsey Henke
Lindsey Henke is the founder and Executive Director of Pregnancy After Loss Support, writer, clinical social worker, wife, and most importantly a mother to two beautiful daughters and one sweet-cheeked baby boy. Tragically, her oldest daughter, Nora was stillborn after a healthy full-term pregnancy in December of 2012. Since then, she has turned to writing on her blog, Still Breathing. Lindsey was featured as Pregnancy and Newborn Magazine’s Knocked Up Blogger during her pregnancy with her second daughter, Zoe, who was born healthy and alive in March of 2014. Her writing about life after loss has been featured on Still Standing Magazine, Listen to Your Mother, Scary Mommy, Healthline, Postpartum Progress, and The New York Times. Lindsey can be reached by email.

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